Annette Gross

Why Courts Are Adopting Gay Parenting

Filed By Annette Gross | March 24, 2006 11:46 PM | comments

Filed in: Marriage Equality, The Movement

Why Courts Are Adopting Gay Parenting
By Dahlia Lithwick

Sunday, March 12, 2006; Page B02

A heads-up to those of you still fretting about the alleged evils of gay marriage: The parade has moved on. Try as you may to vote, or legislate your way out of a country that solemnizes such relationships, committed gay couples are already giving birth to, adopting and fostering children. Whether or not same-sex marriage becomes widely legal in America, same-sex parenting is a done deal.

Around the country, courts are increasingly recognizing that reality, with more generous notions of what "parenting" and "family" mean. Critics are launching the predictable counterattack: deriding gay parenting with the same claims they use to attack gay marriage and dismissing any judge who recognizes such relationships as an unprincipled liberal activist. But there's a crucial legal difference between claims that liberal judges are inventing a right to same-sex marriage and inventing a right to same-sex parents: Judges who do the latter are adhering to a bedrock principle of family law.

The Delaware Supreme Court found last week that a gay woman could retain joint custody of triplets she co-parented with their biological mother. That makes Delaware one of a growing number of jurisdictions unwilling to reflexively downgrade involved gay parents to third-party interlopers. According to the 2000 Census, 34 percent of female same-sex households and 22 percent of male ones include children. The Lambda Legal Defense Fund estimates 6 million to 10 million gay parents are caring for 6 million to 14 million children.

Adoption laws vary widely by state. Most states allow adoption by single parents, including gay parents. Only Florida categorically prohibits gay parents from adopting, although Mississippi, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Utah and North Dakota do so as a matter of practice. Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio and Missouri are now considering constitutional amendments or laws banning gay adoption. Three states (Arkansas, Nebraska and Utah) prohibit gay people from even serving as foster parents.

These legislative bans fly in the face of both necessity and truth. There are 119,000 children waiting to be adopted in this country, about half of them racial and ethnic minorities. There are about 588,000 children in foster care. Legislators -- like a clutch of Ohio Republicans -- pushing bans on gay adoption and fostering must argue that it's better for these children to languish in state custody, or bounce from foster home to foster home, than be raised by gay parents.

Just as there is no data to support the claim that children raised by married gay parents fare worse than those raised by heterosexual ones, there is no data to suggest that foster care is preferable to gay parenting. That's why almost every serious child welfare entity, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Child Welfare League of America and the American Psychological Association, recognizes that gay parents are no worse than heterosexual ones.

Efforts to prevent gay parents from obtaining joint custody over their children crash against the same practical realities. The majority of states, by denying gay partners the right to "second-parent" adoptions or joint custody with a gay partner, effectively enshrine a legal regime in which millions of children have one legal parent and one legal stranger. That means that millions of children lack the security of two parents for purposes of health insurance, life insurance, inheritance, child support payments, emergency medical authorizations or parental leave, particularly in the event that their parents separate or their primary parent dies.

In order to defend the current adoption and custody regimes, therefore, you need to subordinate the practical and emotional interests of children to the moral preferences of lawmakers. That is precisely what family law prohibits.

The arguments for locking gay parents out of formal parenting arrangements include the familiar litany of complaints about health, morals and the sanctity of traditional marriage. But when real family court judges face real children in real family relationships, those arguments are quickly blunted by real concerns. In the Weekly Standard, Sara Butler Nardo of the Institute for American Values takes just such a whack at the expanding legal notion of parenting. She dismisses "de facto" or "psychological" parenthood -- equitable remedies used by judges to preserve relationships between children and their gay parents -- as a wacky "new concept" invented by reckless judges to "serve adults more than children." Nardo warns that while we are loudly and properly debating the legal change in the word marriage, the legal definition of the word parent is "quietly" changing under our noses.

But where Nardo and social conservatives are dead wrong is just here: If judges are increasingly inclined to recognize the validity of same-sex parenting arrangements, it's not because they are mangling a long-established tradition of family law. Courts that adopt broader visions of "parent" and "family" aren't reading radical new rights into their state constitutions. They are doing precisely what family courts are asked to do: Make a determination about what's in the "best interest of the child." That remains the polestar for judicial decision-making in both the adoption and custody contexts. As it turns out, children usually have more urgent concerns than what their parents do in bed.

The best-interest test reinforces the legal proposition that children are not their parents' chattel; the state has an obligation to privilege their needs, sometimes even over the needs of their own parents and other adults. The test is a not a fixed rule, precisely because judges must figure out what's best for kids on a fact-specific basis. And while judges can and should be able to make subjective decisions about whether two-parent adoptive homes are better than single-parent homes, they also need to be free to decide that it's preferable for little Joey to have a gay adoptive father than none, or to have two legal mommies rather than one.

Rules rooted in sweeping moral judgments don't generally work in family law for the same reason they don't work for families: Kids love and need the parents they have, not necessarily the parents we love.

Dahlia Lithwick covers legal affairs for Slate, the online magazine at

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