Bil Browning

Dear Red State,

Filed By Bil Browning | April 07, 2006 4:25 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics

This came in today from an out-of-state reader:

Dear Red States,

We've decided that we're leaving. We intend on forming our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you arn't aware, that includes, California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and the entire Northeast. We believe that this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum it up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all of the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty, you get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft, you get WorldCom.
We get Harvard, you get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepeneurs, you get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the Tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware the Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all of our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids that they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not going to spend our resources in Bush's quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90%of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (don't worry, you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all the cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur coal, all of the living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, all of the Ivy League Schools, plus the Seven Sister Schools, plus Cal Tech, and MIT.

You Red States, on the other hand, will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and the projected health care costs), 92% of all US mosquitos, nearly 100% of the tornados, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

By the way, we also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

In addition, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe that life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking all the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

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I'm packing now.....wait for me.................