Good Karma and Generosity
In Buddhist teaching the law of karma says: `for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according to its cause.'
With less than two weeks before the Couples Weekend Jim and John (obviously not their real names!) had agreed to do together, Jim said to John "I'm done." Most people tend to end a relationship just BEFORE they are about to learn their most valuable lessons in love. We do so to protect our heart from the pain and discomfort that often accompanies meaningful lessons. Ironically it is not how we are feeling that causes us the greatest pain, it is actually how we respond (in many cases, attempt to numb) our feelings, that causes us trouble. In a frantic effort to make the pain just go away, many people conclude the pain will disappear if the relationship ends. Unfortunately, we risk extending the pain long into the future when we resist learning what our pain has to say to us.
In relationships, the question is not, "Will we have problems?," the question is always, "How will we navigate the inevitable storms when they hit?" Alone, Julie came to me to discuss her wish to leave her partner of almost 20 years. She explained, "I have developed feelings for a very old flame who has re-entered my life." Trusting the process, she agreed to be patient and was able to talk her partner into doing the Couples Weekend which allowed them to open lines of communication they never knew existed. By the end of the weekend, Julie and her partner were visibly connected. Julie later shared with me that she cut all ties with her old flame and recommitted to her partner. Together they are rebuilding a stronger foundation and working on a love that allows them to be exactly who they were designed to be - together.
When you have the option to work it out, or run, I encourage you to stay at least one month longer than you believe is humanly possible (unless of course you are in harm's way). In that month's time, force yourself to look at everything about yourself, not your partner, that you will carry with you to the next relationship should you go. When you feel like running (a sense of urgency to end a relationship, particularly after a long-time together) chances are you are trying to run from yourself, not your partner.
As for John, in an unprecedented act of generosity and all of the makings for good karma, a broken-hearted, but definitely not broken John, said to me, "I want our registration fee to go to someone who can really benefit from the workshop but doesn't have the resources to do so." (And no, fellas, I won't reveal the identity of this generous, single, good-karma guy - he's doing this anonymously!)
If you want to be the couple who receives his good karma and generosity - send me a brief email explaining your situation and why you'd like to attend the next couples weekend (April 22-23) FREE (no catch, really!). (Send to a friend that might be interested if you're not).
RREE e.book: 50 Strategies for Successful G/L Relationships
Michele O'Mara, LCSW