Michele O'Mara

Signs of Infidelity

Filed By Michele O'Mara | October 14, 2006 10:41 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: infidelity


I'm concerned my boyfriend is cheating. What are signs that someone is being unfaithful to you and either cheating on you physically or emotionally?
- Concerned in Indiana


Great question. One of the most common reasons I see couples or individuals is because of infidelity in a relationship.

Unfortunately, too many unsatisfied partners do actually love their partner enough to not want to (eh hem) "hurt" them, yet because they feel detached, rejected, hurt, or neglected they crave an outside connection. Combine feelings of detachment or rejection with a desire for connection, add a little fear of conflict and throw in some confusion, low self-esteem and a mounting pile of resentments and viola - you have yourself a perfect formula for infidelity.

Infidelity is not about how someone feels about their partner, it's about how they feel about themself. Whatever motivates a person to stray - know that it takes two to tango and it takes two to un-tango. In fact, if you suspect your partner may be unfaithful my guess is that there is already trouble brewing in your relationship whether he has strayed or not.

Whatever the motivation for infidelity, the signs are similar. By no means is this list comprehensive, though these are some of the more common indicators:

1. Changes in time spent getting ready, appearance and self-care in general
2. Increased changes in schedule - unexpected delays, new appointments, meetings or an increase work obligations or situations that keep your loved one away from home more often or for longer periods of time
3. Deleted phone logs and computer search engine histories
4. Increased measures to create more privacy around passwords, voicemail, spending, etc
5. Constant access to phone or computer - checking often
6. Changes in his affection, interset and general treatment toward you.

My suggestion to you is to:

1. Ask your partner directly about his satisfaction with your relationship
2. Share your concerns with him about whatever prompted you to inquire with me about infidelity (for example, tell him if you feel like he's less affectionate, less interested in sex, gone more, etc...)
3. Share your feelings with him - whatever they are so he can learn to do the same.

Wishing you big love -

Michele O'Mara, LCSW

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