Michele O'Mara

How can I save my relationship?

Filed By Michele O'Mara | July 17, 2007 10:18 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice column, lesbians, love, problems, relationships, resolution

"How can I save my relationship with my girlfriend? This is my first gay relationship, and I love her so much!"

The only thing you can do to save your relationship is this:

Uncover what the actual problem is and how YOU contribute to it, then change the behaviors you have control over, to make your situation better.

When our relationships begin to falter, no matter what the circumstances, the very best thing you can do, initially, is to identify the ways in which you have contributed to the "problem(s)." The power you have to change something correlates in direct proportion to the responsibility you take for it.

For example:

Uncover the Problem She complains we never have sex anymore.

My Responsibility I am less interested because I am more stressed and tired with my new job.

Current Response I tell her I'm too tired and not to take it personally, yet she does anyway and I become frustrated and feel misunderstood and mistrusted.

New Response Address work stress so it doesn't interfere, make time to be romantic and tend to my relationship, and talk about it directly with her when I'm overwhelmed and not able to, so that she doesn't personalize my stress and think I'm not interested in her. Find additional ways to reassure her about how I feel during this time of extra stress.

If all else fails, come see me for counseling, or attend one of my couples weekends (equivalent to three months of counseling in just one weekend!), or join me for a relationship studio couples event once a month.

By, Michele O'Mara, LCSW

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