Marti Abernathey

Don't Call Me A Lesbian

Filed By Marti Abernathey | July 19, 2007 1:01 PM | comments

Filed in: Living, Transgender & Intersex
Tags: identity, lesbian, orientation, sexuality, trans issues

A question recent posted on Lesbian Life at asked

"Question: I am at the very early stages of being a transsexual, and I want to be a woman. I also love women. Could I consider myself a lesbian?"

I've struggled to define my own sexuality, so this question has been ever present in my mind.

Kathy Belge, of Curve's "Lipstick and Dipstick" fame, responded by saying:

"Yes, transsexuals can be homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Gender identity is the sex you believe yourself to be, regardless of what body you were born into.

Sexual orientation describes the gender of the people you are attracted to. Your sexual orientation can be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight."

For the longest time I self identified as bisexual, but I've come to realize that my primary attraction is to women. I've never had the type of intimacy with a man that I've had with women, and that's at the center of what I want from a partner.

But I'd never identify myself as a lesbian. There is too much drama that is involved with doing so. The words of a friend in the comments of my post "Is The Radical Feminist Movement Our Enemy?" sums it up best:

Sadly I've had too many recent encounters with lesbian women that have made me realize that most of the "acceptance" I thought I'd felt from them, including my best friend of two years, was fake. More like being politically correct so you don't minimize the poor trannys' plight. They'll let you hang with them, but more as a freaky mascot or something. You are not getting admission into their world. In my personal experience, the biggest heap of prejudice I get is from gays and lesbians. They just seem incapable or unwilling to ever let you be anything beyond that T.

I'm not condemning everyone in the lesbian community. Attitudes are changing. The younger set of gays and lesbians seem to understand gender and sexual fluidity much easier than the older crowd does. But by the culture of lesbians that are around my age (I'm 39), I'm conditionally accepted.

When asked about my sexual orientation, I'll just say that I'm a woman that loves other women. I'm not going to fight to wear a label.

Cross posted from

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Kevin Lahti | July 19, 2007 1:42 PM

I can actually relate to that last quote you posted.. In my senior year of High school that is when I decided to come out, the people who I thought were really my best friends seemed to change that point, they would still invite me to hang out with them but I never really felt like I belonged but more or less just someone in the background who they didnt know how to respond too.. eventually they stopped inviting me places or really even talking to me.. I felt like they only tried to be PC around me so I wouldnt feel like I was out of place when in fact thats exactly how I felt... that was only 2 years ago now, so while I'm sure the younger generations are understanding theirs still quite a way to go there...

Susan Robins | July 20, 2007 3:59 PM

I noticed the one quote used the term “Homosexual” instead of Lesbian.
To quote… “Yes, transsexuals can be homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Gender identity is the sex you believe yourself to be, regardless of what body you were born into”

This is very typical of the un-accepting attitude that accompanies the fake acceptance many lesbians have.
As a Paleo-Transgender woman from the 80’s who finally completed transition 3+ years ago I have found I have more acceptance in the straight community then ether the Gay or Lesbian community. To add insult to injury, the transgender community has a long way to go before it can accept the people it sometimes forcibly attaches the TG label to. Some lesbians think you have to be borne completely Female and don’t except us who were borne with a Female brain they treat us as second class citizens. Their attitude is “acceptance is for someone else not me”.

Given the hostile way the G,L & T communities treat Pre and Post-Op Transsexual or as some of identify, Transitioned Females. Is it really any wonder we are leaving the political ranks of the LBGT-Q and moving on to life in an accepting Straight Community.

Take care,
Susan Robins