Michele O'Mara

Loving and Losing

Filed By Michele O'Mara | July 03, 2007 10:10 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice column, in love, lesbian, relationship

How do you know when enough is enough? I'm in love with a man who honestly disappoints me consistently with his lack of follow through and honesty. When reciprocity is gone, is there any real hope?

-- loving and losing

You signed your question, "loving and losing." Need I say more?

Our love relationships are the single greatest investment we make with our life. You, Mr. Loving and Losing, are the most incredible resource available to you in this life, and it is up to you to decide how you will invest the amazing treasure that you are.

With that in mind, you tell me he disappoints you, he doesn't follow through, and he isn't honest. How you respond to these behaviors is a more of a reflection of you, in many ways, than it is of him. The only way someone like Mr. Loved and Losing will change his behavior is if what he is doing stops getting him what he wants. (Just as I'm going to encourage you to change your behavior, since you're not getting what you want!) The wildcard, of course, is, what exactly does he want?

When you draw a clear boundary separating acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors, you begin to discover what is real about your connection. When you state clear expectations such as, "I need you to be honest with me," and then later you discover that he is not being honest, you need to back your expectations up with action yourself. You could say, for example, "If we are going to continue this relationship we need to get help because I don't want to continue being lied to, I don't understand what is causing you to do this, and I need to feel better about how I am treated by you."

We get what we expect and what we accept. My hope for you is that you'll expect more and accept less.

Michele O'Mara, LCSW

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