Alex Blaze

Alan Keyes announces presidential run

Filed By Alex Blaze | September 16, 2007 4:36 PM | comments

Filed in: Marriage Equality, Politics
Tags: Alan Keyes, immigration, lesbian, marriage, Maya Keyes, presidency, terrorism

Alan Keyes, five-time failed candidate, has decided that he needs another failed campaign to make an even half-dozen.

America's favorite PFLAG dad unproud father of a "selfish hedonist" has announced his run for presidency on Janet Parshall's radio show. He announced, a little blah blah blah godless media blah blah blah, and what do you think the first specific issue he mentioned was? Come on, you know it:

People need to realize that they can't rely on the godless media and expect to come to conclusions that are consistent with God's authority.

So, put that out of your mind. That's all a manipulated, virtual reality intended to herd us toward results that are bad for this country. How could they be anything else, when you're dealing with people who, by ninety percent, think God is irrelevant to morality, think that traditional marriage can just be thrown away?

It's two dudes or two ladies marrying! That's the issue at the top of his mind!

In fact, he says as much just a little bit after, when specifically asked about his top three issues:

PARSHALL: Yes. Alan, let me ask you. In a Keyes presidency, what would the top three issues from your White House be?

KEYES: Top three issues, I think, at the moment, are clear. We have got to restore our respect for Declaration principle by defending life, and making it clear that life begins at conception and must be respected, from that moment, as the will of the Creator, God, because that's what the Declaration establishes as our principle, and what the Constitution says we owe to our "posterity." That has to be clearly done, and clearly established.

Number two would be the restoration of our allegiance to and respect for God's authority, especially when it comes to clear moral decisions like marriage, where we need to restore the sense that the God-given family is an unalienable right. I wrote about this, in articles that I've done over the last several weeks, trying to restore a sense of what our principles really mean, when it come to decisions like this.

And finally, across the board, I would be trying to restore the moral character and morale and sense of our commitment to our basic moral values, starting in the area of national sovereignty, both in terms of our security from terrorism, and especially the security of our borders, and our assertion of the sovereignty of the American people, which our elites have been betraying and trying to throw away.

There you go, the top three issues:

  1. Abortion
  2. Same sex marriage
  3. Terrorism and immigration or shit like that
Talk about priorities! Health care? Bah, you don't need surgery or medications, you're just weak! The rich/poor gap? But I might lose my millions! The war in Iraq? Geez, that's for the next president to solve!

This should really be fun. To quote Kos:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha [deep breath] ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Half-an-hour later, one more thing: I forgot to include this screenshot I snagged from Keyes's Renew America website!


That's right, folks, add Terri Schiavo to that list! An Alan Keyes presidency would be about all the favorite issues of those living in Imagination Land.

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Well, Alex, we have to admit one thing: Alan Keyes does make a better presidential candidate than he does a recording artist ... uhmm, wait, I meant to say that he makes a better recording artist than a presidential candidate ... oh damn! He's really lousy at both! ... Let me think about this for a little while ... (* trails off, muttering *)

This'll be interesting. Either he'll help destroy the Republicans chances by forcing the candidates to "out-conservative" each other by matching or upping the ante on his ridiculous pronouncements or insane positions will serve to make the existing far-right nutjob candidates like Brownback and Tancredo look like eminently reasonable, middle of the road statesmen by comparison.

You've got to be kidding me!

Oh man. I guess I need to draw another character and I got no clue where to start. Hitler as a Black man?


One wonders if the GOP will give him a speaking slot at the convention. It could be Buchanan redux.