Michele O'Mara

Is She Over Her Ex?

Filed By Michele O'Mara | October 16, 2007 9:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: boundaries, love, over, priority

~ ex.asparated

Dear Ex.asparated,

I assume that your question is really, "where do I stand with this woman?" The reason I am re-framing your question is because uncovering whether or not she is over her ex is simply impossible. In fact, even if we could, my guess is you could still be wondering whether or not you are #1.

So, as usual with my replies, the responsibility for your sense of safety and security in (or out of) love, rests squarely on your shoulders. Do you feel neglected? Do you feel mistreated? Do you feel disrespected? Do you ask for time, energy and focus that she's unwilling to give? What is it that makes you wonder whether or not she is over her ex?

Grieving the loss of a relationships can be very complicated. If you are uncertain whether or not your partner is over her ex, I'm guessing there is at least something there that is unresolved (or possibly you have an overactive imagination and are prone to distrust?). Understanding your partner's feelings, without inserting yours, is a wonderful gift to her - and one that can help her make sense of what might still linger between her and her ex. Be curious, not critical. The more you understand what it is your partner feels, what she wants, and what she may or may not be grieving, the better prepared you will be to take care of your own heart - and have compassion for her.

When you uncover what it is she feels, then you need to respond accordingly. Sometimes we project our own feelings onto others - and so I would be remiss not to ask you if you may actually foster unresolved feelings about an ex of your own?

Bottom line is this: tend to the boundaries in your own relationship, be willing to verbalize your feelings when you feel insecure or if you are not trusting her, and always pay attention to how you feel. Finally, take responsibility for how you are making your relationship a good place to be - for both of you.

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