Fannie Fierce

Femme Phobia and Fucking Fabulously

Filed By Fannie Fierce | December 08, 2007 12:03 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: Manhunt, misogyny

Dear Fannie

I'm 18, have a nice body, cute butt, and all that, but nobody on Manhunt hits me up. I think what's causing all the ignores is my femininity. I'm kind of femme, yes, and it probably shows in my pics. I have long hair, too, and I think that adds to the rejection. I'm not a tranny or a cross dresser, I just happen to be not as masculine as some other guys. And with everyone wanting "hot masculine muscle jocks…" Well, my question is, what am I supposed to do? I'm kind of lonely and it depresses me that most guys don't find guys like me attractive (except the very old sugar daddies). Sometimes I just wanna chop off all my hair and live in a gym just so I can have some male contact, but I don't want to compromise who I am. Help!

-- Pretty but Lonely

(So, I was forwarded this question that was answered by their resident advice columnist, the "Cruise Director" on the très classy website, Manhunt. The response was so profoundly sexist and femme-phobic I simply had to offer some counter-advice.)


First off, please disregard everything "Cruise Director" said in his column. Being a femme guy is one of the wonderful gifts that queerness offers. Not saying that straight guys can't be femme, but heterosexual masculinity is steeped in machismo. Gay men, by virtue of their sexual orientation which defies gender expectations, have more wiggle room in terms of restrictive gendered behavior. This is very evident when we take into consideration early formation of modern queer male identity in North America.

The first half of the 20th century marked one of the first times in recent history where homosexual men were able to come together and love openly. It's interesting to note how the only men who were considered queer by society-at-large were the femme men who were the receptive partners in anal sex. Sexually dominant partners were considered "trade" and typically were butch, masculine, and were considered by society to be within the realm of acceptable male behavior. It was their gender performances that made men queer, not who they had sex with. If we think of gender performances of gay men, in this light, can we really call the str8-acting, femme-hating "hot masculine muscle jocks" to be truly queer?

I’m not saying that all gay guys who act butch are internalized-homophobes or that all femme guys are champions of queer gender performance. (I am a little bit.) But I believe that a big factor in this push for the exclusive valorization of the macho masculine man in the gay male community is largely driven by misogyny. After all, gay men make the best patriarchs; thank you, Plato.

Now, you say that all the men that you meet on Manhunt are only interested in "hot masculine muscle jocks.” One important thing to realize is that the sample of men who are on Manhunt isn’t necessarily indicative of all gay men. Even the name “Manhunt” suggests that the hot muscle jocks who are trolling online for their next hook up are looking for men in every hegemonic understanding of the word. Guys who are obsessed with their own masculinity and can only find other butcher masculine guys attractive are missing out. Missing out on you and your fabulously hot self and on the gender liberation that queer sexuality can afford. My suggestion to you, PBL, is to ditch the Manhunt and try meeting guys in an environment that isn’t so misogynist/femme-phobic/repressed.

Where, you ask? There are plenty of venues to meet people. The night life scene is an obvious choice, but there are plenty of other ways. Try volunteering for a queer organization, go to an event at the local Queer Center… basically go to where gays flock and you’re bound to meet someone. One thing that “Cruise Director” and I agree on is that it doesn’t hurt to be more aggressive in terms of pursuing guys. If you find someone attractive, let the person know! What’s the worse that can happen? He’ll say no. Just put on your stiff upper lip and give him a good ol’ diva snap. You’re too good for him anyway.


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beergoggles | December 8, 2007 7:57 PM

Gay men already categorize ourselves into what we like from a partner. There's,, and so many more sites that we congregate at based on what we like. Do you really think we spend all this tortured time in childhood coming to terms with who we are without also coming to terms with exactly what turns us on in a partner?

I like big furry arms, a furry beerbelly and big furry legs on a partner and thankfully I found it and my hubby is quite adept at maintaining the beergut, which keeps me as a happy man.

I'll be surprised if you can't find a web site representing a group of like minded people on the internet in this day and age.

And yeah, manhunt is probably not it.

I think femme guys are hot. I usually go for the "not-so-masculine" guys myself; Jerame is probably the most "masculine" man I've ever been with for an expanded period of time.

Hm. Guys I'm with are usually rather androgynous - not really femme, not really butch. Usually more in the "it's not a big deal, now gimme some ass" category.

Although I did date a guy a while back who actually said he preferred femmes in his profile.... It was actually the result of some internalized homophobia, I found, instead of him just being weird. Three years later I found his profile online and it was changed to "straight-acting" only. And now he's voting McCain, go figure.

I think that Michele's column from this week is applicable here - people project what they hate about themselves on others. Femme-phobia is so obviously about that....

But, yeah, moral of the story is that this kid should really stop hanging out, or only hanging out, on the ManHunt. I never found anyone worth hooking up with there.

But, yeah, moral of the story is that this kid should really stop hanging out, or only hanging out, on the ManHunt. I never found anyone worth hooking up with there.

Well I guess there goes the ad revenue for Bilerico. haha.