Bil Browning

I've never felt more heterosexual

Filed By Bil Browning | January 31, 2008 3:55 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: child care, gay men, heterosexual privilege, humorous blog post, kids, periods, women's issues

Isn't it funny sometimes how much the human animal relies on first impressions? What we see is what we believe.

kitchenpants.jpgThis story starts with Reesie, the crazy mutt that arrived at the back door recently. Her appointment to get fixed hasn't arrived yet, but she went into heat this week. *sigh*

This is when I make a few confessions of how gay I really and truly am. My experiences with periods has been rather limited. That's been fine with me, by the way.

When the dog went into heat, I admit I didn't know what to do. Jerame suggested we put a diaper on her while we wait this out.

When Paige got her first period, I gave her a book and told her to call Grandma. I didn't really know what to say other than, "It comes once a month." Thank goodness for the female influences in Paige's life, eh?

It's just not something I've had to deal with a lot in my experiences.

I was sent off to the store to buy the diapers. As I'm talking to Jerame on the phone on my way there, Paige tells him that she's out of tampons. Would I please pick up some while I'm at the store?

Diapers and tampons. Great. It's a two-fer.

doggiepants.jpgWandering the store chuckling at what had to be my most heterosexual-like shopping experience, it struck me exactly how funny it was going to be to watch Jerame try to put a diaper on that dog. She has to be the most hyperactive canine on the planet and jumps around like a jack rabbit.

(It was too! She was too big for the diapers so we had to give her a pair of panties too to hold the diaper in place. What would you use to keep the two together? Jerame tried duct tape and staples before little nelly me intervened with some safety pins. Gay saves the day!)

I made it to the diaper aisle and quickly realized I'd never paid attention to this particular section. There's a bazillion choices of diapers! How in the world can you possibly know what the difference is? What size diaper does a 65 pound dog wear? The packages only mentioned up to 28 pounds!

I had to call home.

Me: "I don't know what size diaper to get."

Jerame: "The biggest one. How in the hell do I know?!"

Me: "I'm calling Grandma."

Confident in my diaper sizing knowledge after talking to Jerame's mom on the phone, I strutted over to the feminine hygiene products. That's when I realized I was about as familiar with this area as I was with the last. There's a bazillion pink and purple packages there too!

I had to call home.

Me: "I don't know what to get."

Jerame: "Tampons. How in the hell do I know?!"

Me: "Put Paige on the phone."

Swaggering back to the check-out with my purchases (and full of how well I'd done in tackling the feminine mystique), I got in line at the self check. Of course, there was some guy in front that couldn't figure out the whole swipe and bag relationship.

As the line grew behind me, the next woman in line struck up small talk. We chatted about the weather until Mr. Mensa finished with the register and it was my turn.

When I finished up, the woman behind me said, "Don't you make your wife get up with that baby during the night now," with a big grin.

Laughing, I said the only thing I could think of...

"Oh, I won't."

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The only thing missing from that hetero shopping trip was a case of Budweiser and a copy of Hustler magazine.

Having actually changed a dog's diaper at my last job. My boss was running late and needed someone, oh, please oh please could I just... there I was. Senior Research Analyst at an investment firm... changing a hound's diaper.

I can only attest to changing a dog's diaper is VERY different than a child's.

god help me I'll be as squirmy in the nursing home someday.

As for the tampons... just imagine using them.

'Nuff said.

I had to laugh at this! Just hope Jerame doesn't have to diaper YOU someday!!

You don't want to know what my first suggestion was about what to do when we found out the diapers were too small, Sara... LOL

Oh, that's too funny. At least she's all covered up so you don't have to see her naughty bits now, right?

Tony Kariotis | February 1, 2008 5:42 AM

I adore your family....this is the best story I could have imagined waking up to....

Zach Adamson | February 1, 2008 9:42 AM

They have little doggie shorts made just for this occasion. It has a little area that is made to slide in a "mini" pad and a cut out area for their tail. Very easy to use. The shorts are washable, and its best to have 2 pair. One to wear while the other is in the wash.
Get her fixed ASAP. but in the meantime if you need to borrow our doggie shorts, let us know. She looks like she is small like Zoe.