Michele O'Mara

Cutting the Purse Strings

Filed By Michele O'Mara | April 16, 2008 10:21 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: gay advice, lesbian, purse strings, relationship conflict

I've been married to my partner for almost a year now but we've been lovers and friends for 4 years. Her parents literally want me dead. She wants to go to college but only on their money which means that she can't have any contact with me whatsoever for 4 consecutive years. It's their way of trying to control their 20 year old daughter. I even tried making peace with them and they basically spit in my face. She's attempted going to college on several occasions and unfortunately it's failed for one reason or another. I feel completely lost and worry if we will last as a couple. I support her wanting to go to college, but there are so many ways she could do it without their help. please help me.

lost & distressed

Dear L&D -

I see our intimate relationships as the most fertile grounds possible for personal growth. You are describing some pretty deep-rooted weeds (her parents) that are overtaking the grounds (your relationship) on which you two are trying to grow - and the weeds are being watered, not uprooted, by your partner.

The problem, as I see it, is that at age 19 (if my math serves me well), your partner decided to marry you. She made a "grown-up" decision, possibly before she was grown-up. Now she is unable, or perhaps unwilling, to uphold that decision (if I'm reading the facts accurately and she's agreeing to no contact with you for 4 years in exchange for money).

While it's tempting to hold her parent's accountable, they are but the keeper of the purse - she's the one grabbing a hold of the strings. Likewise, you are the keeper of your heart - and in her you have trusted it. Is that a good place for your heart? Do you trust yourself enough to know? Focus on your choices, focus on your life dreams and whether or not they are achievable with the woman you describe.

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That marraige is doomed so cut and run if she does wander back without a divorce look for the reunion to be being served with divorce papers.

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | April 17, 2008 1:34 AM

Dear Lost and Distressed,

You failed to mention something in your letter that I think is important to know. How old are you? You sound younger than your friend if you believe that college educations are handed out on a cafeteria line. Your friend has failed "for one reason or another" on two previous occasions to stay in college, presumably with the support of her parents. Is she disciplined enough to finish any commitment she undertakes? Including a commitment to you?

Could it be that you are really a distraction to her and her parents see this? How, and with what financial resources have you been living to this point? Is she mature enough to be ready to commit to you?

The parents could just be more aware of the limitations of their daughter than you are. You are seeing her through the love in your eyes that she is not able to return. It is very convenient for her to blame her parents for her lack of commitment to you. Walk away now and focus on yourself and your future.

It sounded to me like they were both "kids" still.