5. Hillary and Barack kiss, make up
Senators Clinton and Obama today declared their intent to seek a constitutional change so that they can govern as co-presidents.
4. Republicans return to "small government" ideals
Advance America's Eric Miller told reporters "It suddenly occurred to me how bored I am with singling out gays. I don't really give a damn what you do in your bedroom. None of my business, when it comes down to it. The fact of the matter is, health insurance is evil no matter who gets it."
3. Another right-wing leader caught in sex scandal
Advance America's Eric Miller told reporters "It suddenly occurred to me how bored I am with the missionary position. Do you really give a damn what I do in my pastor's bedroom? None of your business, when it comes down to it. The fact of the matter is, leather is sexy no matter who wears it."
2. Supermodels, actresses go on diet strike
Hollywood restaurants and delis were packed today as overly thin young starlets streamed in, demanding multiple courses and gallons of ice cream. "I was looking in the mirror and realized maybe it's not a good thing I can count all 206 bones in my body," said Keira Knightley. "Screw it, gimme a cheeseburger."
1. Local blogger wins $46 million Powerball jackpot
"Hells yeah I'm quitting my day job!" said Indiana's newest millionaire, Jen Jorczak. "I now intend to devote my time to travel, philanthropy, and catching up on back issues of The New Yorker."