Serena Freewomyn

When Is It Cheating?

Filed By Serena Freewomyn | April 12, 2008 4:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Living
Tags: cheating spouse, fag hags, relationships

I have a new fag in my life (two new fags, actually). Those of you who know my Nick know that he will always be my #1. He is my heart, my petit ami. I love him beyond words. But the physical distance between us leaves a void in my life that only another gay man can fill.

I love the gays! Gay men will tell you that you look fabulous when you have a nice outfit on, but they'll stop you from a fashion disaster if you've managed to fuck it all up. You can't buy that kind of advice! A good fag is just as likely to go out with you for coffee as he is to accompany you for an STD test. It's always nice to have that kind of emotional support. The best fags talk dirty with you and will flirt shamelessly, because we both know it's all in good fun. Is it any wonder, then, that gay men are to me what small dogs in purses are to sorority bitches?

I called Nick yesterday to tell him that I had a new fag in my life. Our relationship is built on openness and honesty. I couldn't be in another hag relationship and not tell Nick. It would be cheating. He said he understood and confessed that he, too, has a new lezzy in his life. We don't need the details. All we need to know is that we'll always come home to one another. There's no need for monogamy in our relationship, because we'll always be true.

The one area where I do believe in monogamy is the relationship I have with my hairdresser. He knows me better than anyone but my fag. And when I'm feeling down and out, I can always count on Jay to boost my self esteem. Last week I almost cheated on him. I was WAY overdue for a cut and I couldn't get Jay on the phone. I told myself not to stress, that he was probably just on vacation. I shouldn't have let it go so long between appointments, anyway. I only had myself to blame. By Wednesday of last week I was feeling desperate enough that I almost busted out the clippers to shave it all off. I even made an appointment with another stylist. And then the phone rang. Jay was very apologetic that he hadn't called me. Somehow my message ended up in his saved voice mails. I joked with Jay that he was lucky he called me back. I almost cheated! But everybody knows that it's hard to find a good stylist, let alone someone who does lesbian hair. Jay worked me in on Saturday and I'm so glad that I didn't cheat!

But when you're dating someone, when does it count as cheating? If you haven't had a discussion about monogamy, then it clearly doesn't count in my book. Flirting, kissing, and fucking are all fair game. Personally, I don't believe in monogamy in romance. I believe it's possible to love more than one person at a time. I look at it this way. There are many types of candy that I enjoy. There are a few that I always go back to (Godiva truffles, Reese's Cups) and seasonal favorites (Peeps). But why should that prohibit me from trying other kinds of candy? How can I truly be sure that I like Godiva the best if I haven't tried a wide variety of chocolate? As long as each person in a relationship is honest and they play safe, being involved with another person (for a one night stand or for something more long term) doesn't count as cheating.

Everyone seems to have their own standard for what constitutes cheating. In your book, what's the bright line?

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Good question. I got "in trouble" in a relationship once for making out with someone even though I was in a relationship. It seemed like a reasonable compromise - after all, I knew my partner would be upset if we had sex so we didn't. He didn't see it the same way I did though. :(

mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm! serena, you know i love you but... i find stereotyping and the terms like fag and lezzie offensive. personally, i hate for even my friends to refer to me as a "tranny". bitch is fine, cocksucker is fine...but don't call me a tranny.

i understand that even the worst terms can be used as familiarities and endearments, but somehow putting them in print seems wrong. and innaccurate. it is great to have friends within our community who are sympathetic to the problems that we face, and it is wonderful to have a best friend. it just seems to cheapen that friendship ... or make it seem one sided ... by calling someone "my fag" when my "best friend" just allows for a lot more dignity.

as far as the cheating, i would say when it feels like cheating - even a little - it probably is. a lot of "monogamy" is taken for granted, maybe improperly so, but the feeling of being betrayed is still very real. and if you care at all for someone, you don't want them to feel betrayed. being upfront and open is always best with your friends. sooooo...enjoy your candy and your friends, just be open about it. they might call you a "ho", but they will say it affectionately.

Cheating, essentially by definition, is not following the rules. So in order to know what cheating is, you have to know what the rules are. This makes it pretty important in any new relationship to clearly what your expectations are and make certain that you and your partner agree on all of the essentials.

Cheating is when one partner is not following the "rules" (boundaries, expectations, limits, etc) that they agreed to.

What happens when you break a rule that you didn't agree to? Well, that's quite a gray area. I don't know if I'd call it cheating, but I wouldn't call it a healthy relationship bound for success either.

Interesting little commentary... but I have to agree with jerindc. This went a little overboard with the reclaiming of words.