Alex Blaze

Homeward Guam!

Filed By Alex Blaze | May 03, 2008 2:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics, Politics
Tags: Barack Obama, belembaotuyan, election 2008, Guam, Hillary Rodham Clinton, joke

With the Guam primary today/yesterday/tomorrow (I don't get time zones), the question on everyone's mind surely is "Who can win the average Guamanian?" Not the Dededo elites, mind you, but the gun-shootin', beer-drinkin', over 37-points-over-7-frames-bowlin' Guamanian from Chalan Pago-Ordot.

Personally, I'm tired of Obama's pandering on the issue of brown tree snake elimination. I have not-yet-confirmed word that the associate pastor at his Trinity United Church of Christ delivered angry (and un-American, of course) sermons in defense of brown tree snakes.

That'll show Obama's "change" message for what it is: a subterfuge for ecological invasion and further elimination of bird species.

But if there's one thing that makes me tired of 90's-as-usual politics, it's Hillary's trumped up stories of how her father taught her the belembaotuyan when she was little. Ellen or Oprah or Larry King need to hand her one and see if she can turn out any of the tunes Pa'a Taotao Tano dance to.

I doubt she could. It's the same old kind of Hillary story - all fun and hype until you see her not know where to put the gourd and press the string down as if it were a guitar.

It's Bill all over again - in 1992 he couldn't stop talking about making Guam a commonwealth, but in 1996 he was running ads in the South about how he preserved military bases there by blocking commonwealthhood.

Thanks for throwing Guam under the bus, Bill.

What's actually funny is how the campaigns each spent millions in polling to come to the brilliant conclusion that Guamanians care about the economy. I could have told them the same thing for half the price, and given them a few tips on how to increase Japanese tourism there at the same time.

It's hard to tell what conclusion cartoonishly simple racial and gender analysis would reach considering 57% of the population is Chamorro, and, as far as I can tell, neither Hillary nor Barack are Chamorro nor can I find find an "expert" to tell me that Chamorros hate black or white people, or if they're sexist, and, if they are, if they're sexist in favor of men or women.

Either way, I'm going to declare this the year of the white male in Guam. At 5% of the population, they're the swing block that Clinton and Obama should be concerned with. All other votes are irrelevant.

I would have found some average-joe-on-the-street quotations to support my theory and say they think Obama's a snob, but Guam's awfully far away.

The results are starting to roll in, but, no matter who wins, I'm sure we can count on the Clinton campaign to say that Guamanian results don't matter. It'd be just like them to assume that it won't be important come November just because Obama won.


If you're as guam ho as I am about this primary, you'll want to see Stephen Colbert's interview with their non-voting representative:

Facts and figures courtesy of Wikipedia.

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"I'm sure we can count on the Clinton campaign to say that Guamanian results don't matter."

Why is it -- according to the Clinton campaign -- that states won by Obama do not matter, and the only relevant states are those won by Hillary? According to Hillary the paramount result is who can secure a majority of the less-educated, older, white ethnic working-class voter from a large state with a failing industrial economy.

It seems that the Clinton campaign repeatedly beats the drum with its chant that the only states that matter for determining the Democratic nomination are Ohio & PA, and those 30 contests already won by Obama by which he has secured the majority of the pledged delegates and popular vote are irrelevant. If that's the case, then why do we even engage in the charade of a national primary with the involvement of all 50 states?

And I find it a little offensive for Hillary to contend that states with large numbers of black voters, youth voters, liberal voters, educated voters, affluent voters, anti-war voters -- the core of the Obama constituency -- should not count in determining who should be the Democratic nominee but the remaining undeclared superdelegates should look instead at all the working class white ethnic support that she has.

The conclusion of Hillary's logic is ugly: white votes from Pennsylvania should count more than black votes from Georgia.

If Hillary ends up securing the nomination somehow by the intervention of the superdelegates -- an unlikely but possible scenario -- but with Obama retaining the majority of pledged delegates and popular vote, expect a Fourteenth Amendment constitutional lawsuit against the Democratic Party for civil rights, equal protection and voter disenfranchisement violations.


This was a hilarious, brilliant, and bitter take on the state of our primary.

Just how long did you sit on the computer looking up Guam jokes?

According to the news just now Senator Obama won by 7 yep count em 7 votes so they get 2 delegates apeice plus what ever super delegates they can get.Think I read Guam gets 5 supers plus 4 regular delegtes.There Representavie can vote in committiee and in the Committie of the whole of Congress but not in Congress Assembled. Gotta love that way of saying things carry on this lesson in governmentese was brought to you by me Caty carry on.

I stand corrected thats now 4 each and there delegets get a half a vote at the convention rolls eyes at that one.

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | May 4, 2008 12:56 AM

Aw come on Gaybars, have some fun! Besides, with the Electorial college all voters are devalued in Georgia when compared to Pennsylvania. Feel better?

Obviously Senator Obama was on the right side of the critically important issue of the brown snake elimination. This led to his "landslide" victory and his getting two delegate votes. Senator Clinton's negative campaign tactics clearly showed she was on the wrong side of the issue most important to the lives of the average Guamanian, although she was able to secure just two delegates.


I agree. While Guam was the center of the primary stage for several days and all the pundits thought that a decisive victory in either direction would end the primary, Obama's landslide just wasn't enough to do that. It's on to Indiana and North Carolina, which will surely decide this primary.

I happen to like brown tree snakes. I'd have voted 3rd party - for Prevention of Cruelty to Brown Tree Snakes party.

Robert, I must confess my sense of humor has been out of whack for the last several weeks, this primary has given me a bad case of agita, and I cannot wait for the entire 2008 election to be over. (The only good news I've recently heard has been the rumor that after a two-year break The Strokes are getting back together to put cut a fourth album.)

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | May 4, 2008 11:33 AM

Gaybars! No prob. Who are "The Strokes?" Having had a few good strokes in my time and returned the favor I was unaware that there was music associated. Oh, The Bolero!

Dum da da da, Da da da da da da Dum da da da!