There she goes again.
If it's Thursday, Elaine Donnelly - America's most miserable misogynist - must be coiffed, confused and on a crusade to stop somebody from doing something that might make good sense. And sure enough, E.D.'s in a fix that even Pfizer can't fathom.
Elaine, it seems, has some questions that the voices in her head just can't answer. Or maybe even they've grown tired of trying to talk some sense into her.
But nonetheless, one does believe it's important that Elaine not worry her well-sprayed head over such weighty matters as military readiness when she could, after all, do something she's actually good at... such as female impersonation, perhaps. (Note to Darren Starr: She'd make a mean Charlotte York in a drag production of Sex and the City.)
But until we see "Elaine Donnelly, Star of Stage and Scream" on the marquee in lights, I have taken it upon myself to address some burning questions that Elaine ponders as pointedly as her knock-off Manolos, after the jump.
Being the home economics major that she was, Ms. D didn't pay a whole lot of attention in history class. So, she asks, "What would happen to our military if the order was given that everybody must not only accept homosexuals in the military, but also be submitted to sensitivity training classes, denial of promotions if they don't go along, [and] the entire civil rights agenda?"
To find the answer, of course, we have to travel all the way back to the 1940s, when Elaine was, we imagine, still masquerading as Phyllis Schlafly's secretary and looking busy while waiting for the Messiah.
That was when the armed forces integrated African Americans into their ranks. (It was, one imagines, another "civil rights agenda" that our own Michigan Mama didn't think too highly of either.) And what we learned, of course, was simple: If the order is given - to lift the ban or institute sensitivity training or have the audacity to treat everyone the same - the order will be carried out. That, after all, is what the military is designed to do.
The earth won't stop spinning. The sun will still rise in the morning. And Elaine won't notice a bit of difference in her dull day-to-day life... unless her hairdresser happens to be drafted off to a warzone.
And, as a nice side benefit, the country might be a little bit safer, too.
But on to other burning matters that are keeping Elaine's Kathy Lee WalMart knickers in a bundle.
"[W]hy is it that the House Armed Services Committee is even considering having a hearing?," she asks.
That one is obvious.
Because Barney Frank can't match his shoes with his bag and they need a Donnelly wardrobe consultation - stat! - on Capitol Hill.
Or, perhaps, because the Armed Services Committee would like to figure out a way to get the most qualified people into the military!
Now there's a novel idea.
But Elaine, we know, doesn't have time for novel ideas... only ideas that are the stuff of novels. Because even her questions are born from pure fiction, set in a place where women are still second-class, gays are still closeted and America is still a bastion of bigotry.
Why not just stop worrying, Elaine, and catch up with the rest of us who are here in the 21st century? And take a lesson from Charlotte York. Maybe you'd be a little less bitter after an evening with a rabbit, too?
But that's a question I think we already know the answer to.