Alex Blaze

8 great last-minute queer halloween costumes

Filed By Alex Blaze | October 31, 2008 3:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: Ashley Todd, costume party, Halloween, Halloween costume, lindsay lohan

Need a last-minute costume idea for a party tonight? I've got you covered if you're willing to be a little queer.

1. Suze Orman/Ellen Degeneres: Don't go as just one of America's favorite lesbians - go as both! This simple modernization of Batman villain Two Face is easy because you can get away with one hairstyle. All you need to do is get a bright, tacky jacket and a classic, white vest that you're willing to ruin. Cut each in half and sew them up, and you're quite an odd lesbian couple.

Now you'll need to get the moves down, jerking your head awkwardly while dancing....

2. Lindsay Lohan: She came out this year, so that means that dressing up as your favorite drunk party girl now has queer cultural significance. Throw on a black cocktail dress and make like a mean girl, this easy costume can be done with stuff you probably already own. The best part is you can throw up and then just say it's part of the costume.

Note to boys: If you thinking about doing the Lindsay Lohan this year, don't just put on a dress that will fall off 30 minutes into the party, apply make up, and drink till you're don't know what you're making out with. Have some respect for the Halloween tradition and put on a red wig. Anything less would be bad form.

3. Ashley Todd: Not queer, but there's no doubt this one will be a hot costume this Halloween. It works because she's in the news, her story does not strike sympathy, and she's 100% everything all of us don't want to be.

Some make-up can give you two black eyes and a backwards B on your right cheek (just make it look forwards in a mirror), and you're ready to go.

Fortunately for you, you can wash this off at the end of the night. Ashley Todd, on the other hand, will still be going to job interviews 20 years from now with a backwards B scar, and employers will ask, "Wait, weren't you that one woman who mutilated herself for McCain?"

It's impossible to make a good first impression after that.

4. The bus: As in, the bus under which pretty much everyone gets thrown. After the ENDA, trans people were thrown under the bus. When Obama let Donnie McClurkin take the stage, he threw gays under the bus. And now you can be the scariest overplayed metaphor of the decade: the bus itself.

Bonus points if people throw themselves under you.

5. Larry Craig: Tape toilet paper to your shoe, grab that "piece of paper" Senator Craig was reaching for, and buy some big metal glasses at WalMart, this is your last year to tap dance your way through the party. The Senator from Idaho who proved that you're never too old for gay bathroom sex isn't going to be reelected, making this the last year for last year's favorite costume.

Sure, you could try it next year and be the only lame-o who still knows Larry's name, but this costume won't be cool for another 20 years, when it'll come back as a super-hip random reference. The only problem with waiting that long is that uber-random probably won't be funny anymore.

6. The gay Mafia princess: Well, if Time magazine is going to insist that rich gay people who get together to donate to political causes are a "mafia" while other groups of rich people doing the same thing aren't, then why the fuck can't we have gay mafia princesses?

I suppose we could go all out and have gay mafia dons, etc. ("etc." there means that I haven't even seen The Godfather, so I don't really know what else there is), but at some point the madness has to stop. I say it stops at the princesses.

Because I've always wanted to be a princess.

7. A tube of lube: OK, this one isn't last-minute at all, but it's definitely a classic. What other product deserves an homage from the queers?

One day, I know I'm going to write an Ode to Lube, that special substance that has made so many liberatory practices available to so many. It keeps our condoms from breaking, our rectums from tearing, and our sex toys from getting stuck.

I would imagine that a large cylinder, properly decorated, and a plastic dome-shaped cap would pull this off.

8. The ghost of Jerry Falwell: When I was a kid, I trick-or-treated who knows how many times as a ghost because my mom wasn't going to buy some costume for me to wear once and put away in the closet for the rest of the year. So she'd cut some eye-holes in a white bed sheet and put a thick winter coat and snowpants on me (I grew up in Wisconsin), and we were ready to go.

Well, it's not a very adult costume, but there's no reason that this simple design can't be intellectualized. Jerry Falwell died this past year, and since he advanced his career by making fun of those who died, there's no reason not to do the same to him. Memorize a few Falwell quotations about lesbian witches causing 9/11 and, if you're not worried about people doubting you put any effort into your costume at all, you're ready to go!

Just make sure, boys, that you use a clean bed sheet, K?

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For Suze Orman, would you have to shop at Joann's Jacket Junction?