Scott Kaiser

The *Other* Things John McCain Knows

Filed By Scott Kaiser | October 18, 2008 9:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Politics
Tags: John McCain, Twitter

John McCain must be a very knowledgeable guy.

After all, over the course of three Presidential debates he's told us that he knows how to:

  • get Osama Bin Laden;
  • fix the economy;
  • create jobs;
  • save billions of dollars;
  • eliminate programs;
  • heal the wounds of war.

Of course, the trick is that in order to tap McCain's vast fountain of knowledge, we have to elect him first (despite the fact that he's already a public servant in his role as a U.S. Senator). No, these secrets are his and his alone, and he'll only share if we make nice with him. It makes you wonder what other secrets McCain might be privy to.

In turns out that John McCain is a cornucopia of information,, and there is a meme going on at Twitter in which more of McCain's secret nuggets of knowledge have been revealed. Below are just some examples.

John McCain knows:

  • how babies are made;

  • where your lost socks go... and how to hunt them down;

  • how to blink, blink, blink;

  • the way to San Jose;

  • what newspapers Sarah Palin reads;

  • what love is and he wants to show you;

  • where the sun don't shine;

  • the 11 herbs and spices in the Colonel's secret recipe;

  • how many shakes before it's considered playing with it;

  • fifty ways to leave your lover;

  • first-hand what really happened to the dinosaurs;

  • the difference between "this one" and "that one";

  • how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood;

  • how to divide by zero;

  • who switched your regular morning coffee with Folgers Crystals;

  • Angela Lansbury's private number for booty calls;

  • ka-ra- TAY;

  • if the light in your refrigerator really goes off when you close the door;

  • who wrote the book of love;

  • the muffin man;

  • kegel exercises;

  • that dinner is served at 4:30 and bedtime is 7:00;

  • who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop and who put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip;

  • what "the gay agenda" is;

  • that the Hanoi Hilton does not leave fresh mints on their pillowcases;

  • how to kiss Dave Letterman's ass;

  • what evil lurks in the hearts of men;

  • that knowing is half the battle.

So what else does John McCain know? Please share in the comments!

(Special thanks to the many users of Twitter who helped come up with this list.)

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Michael Crawford Michael Crawford | October 18, 2008 10:42 AM


Don't you know that McCain was a POW?

By writing this liberal elitist terrorist-loving post, you are showing just how much you hate America. You are probably palling around with terrorists and intellectuals at your local Starbucks daintily sipping a soy chai latte and plotting to destroy the sanctity of marriage.

Scott Kaiser Scott Kaiser | October 18, 2008 12:49 PM

And I read that liberal rag The New York Times!

How many licks it takes to get to the center of Tootsie Pop!

Scott Kaiser Scott Kaiser | October 18, 2008 12:55 PM

John McCain knows how to crash expensive fighter aircraft.

Scott Kaiser Scott Kaiser | October 18, 2008 2:30 PM

John McCain knows what you did last summer.

He know when you are sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sakes.

Scott Kaiser Scott Kaiser | October 18, 2008 5:31 PM

When that is said about Santa Claus, it's cute.

When it's said about John McCain, it's downright creepy.

But it's more likely.


He knows how many angels can fit on the head of a needle.

He knows that Trix are for kids, how to be coo-coo for Coo-Coo Puffs, that Frosted Flakes are Greaaat, and how many scoops of raisins are in Raisin Bran. (Would that make him a Cereal Killer?)

He knows how to use the Force. to saddle a dinosaur humans came to North America

...where to find Amelia Earhart's plane

...what happened to the Lindburg baby the west was won

...what happened to the Jamestown settlement

John McCain know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style when he was young. And not white ones, they didn't have those because of the war. The only ones he could get his hands on were those big yellow ones.

gregory brown | October 20, 2008 9:37 PM

He also has Elvis's cell phone numbr, and what Judge Crater said to Jack Kennedy when he arrived at that secret hideout in Utah (as wellas the best polygamous hookups).