Nina Smith

Review: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture

Filed By Nina Smith | November 23, 2008 12:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living, Living
Tags: Barbara Davilman, Ellis Weiner, humorous blog post, investments, Steve and Evie Levy, The Rapture

The Rapture is coming, the Rapture is coming! Oy!

Profit:Rapture.jpg This Christmas, I've found the perfect book for my family's white elephant gift exchange. It's called: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture... a snarky, how-to manual about where and when to invest when the world comes to an end. Of course, I'm the only one in my Christ-like clan that will need this advice since the gays are guaranteed (along with the Jews!) to be left behind.

Speaking of Jews, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, put this little investment gem together (may I call it a bible?). If you grew up in a church that thrived on "end times" storytelling, now is the time to finally profit from all those Sunday night altar calls. If you need me to explain what an "altar call" is, then you might not fully appreciate this book's humor. And it is classified as humor... at least according to the Library of Congress Cataloging system. My family is not laughing, but they are praying for me. Why?

Because the Rapture is indeed coming! And this means only one thing to me: investment opportunities! Weiner and Davilman are here to teach us:

... how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

And teach they do. But first, take the test to find out if you're ready for the Rapture? It's a short questionnaire that quickly weeds out the Armageddon lightweights: "I'm thinking of a number between 665 and 667. What is it?"

But don't take my word for it. I leave you with a better review of the book than I could possibly write:

A hilarious, light read marked with a snarky matter-of-fact attitude, "How to Profit from the Coming Rapture" dances carefree on the line of offensive. Throughout, our doomsday experts are either feigning seriousness and dread over what the book of Revelations foretells by remarking unabashedly how distressing, terrible, etc. it will be, or reminding us that, regardless of how ridiculous the prophecies (horses with lions' heads and snakes' tales, stars made of wormwood falling to the planet and one third of vaguely everything being destroyed) may sound, they must be true because they're all actually in the Bible -- and cited. So it's not really blasphemous, just caustically mocking.

Feel free to laugh all the way to the bank. Of course, you'll need the Mark of the Beast to open an account. But don't fret; the book has all these important steps covered. Go forth and profit!

When Nina is not preparing for the Apocalypse, she can be found blogging about money over at Queercents.

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Michael Crawford Michael Crawford | November 23, 2008 8:31 PM

I have to admit that my big question is what do you wear to an apocalypse. That would be a style book that I would definitely buy.

Thanks for recommending this book. I need a good laugh.

I'll have to check it out. Thanks for the heads up, Nina.

Michael: I think Carson Kressley is working on that book! And you can bet that Kirk Cameron will be wearing these as wardrobe options in his next movie!

My favorite bumper sticker:
Come the Rapture, I'm taking your car

Sarah Holmes | February 16, 2009 2:36 PM

You still have time to come to Jesus. He loves you even if you are a Homosexual. The only thing that keeps a person from heaven and the coming rapture is this. Rejecting the free gift He has given by asking Him in your heart. All other sins have been paid for but you have to admit that you need Him. I will join your family in prayer.

May you seek Jesus,
Sarah Lee