Alex Blaze

Some of my best friends are Christian

Filed By Alex Blaze | December 17, 2008 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: Christian beliefs, gay friends, LGBT, lions, Margie Christoffersen, rick warren, Sarah Palin

Inspired by the many fundamentalist Christians and Mormons (Sarah Palin, Pat Boone, Rick Warren, Margie Christoffersen, Mike Huckabee) who have pointed out that they can't be homophobic because they have gay friends, I have an announcement to make.

Some of my best friends are Christian.

I know, I know, it may be hard to believe. Some of you may ask, "Alex, why are you friends with members of that radical cult? Don't you know that they want to subjugate women, erase queer people's existence, institute slavery, and convert the entire world to their bizarre lifestyle?"

To which I'd respond, "Yes! But being friends with someone doesn't mean that you have to accept their beliefs or lifestyle!"

I have my Christian friends over regularly for dinner, and we respect each other's differences of opinion on the institution of feeding Christians to the lions. But we can disagree without being disagreeable.

Reaching out to Christians and helping them move away from their lifestyle starts with opening up our hearts. We're not going to convert anyone with our usual rhetoric.

For years, all Christians have heard from us is intolerance. Every time you open a paper, there's some gasbag writing about how Christians are awful, how they hate Christians, and how they're happy that Christians are being thrown to the lions.

We need to cut that out. But at the same time, that doesn't mean we give in to their deviance.

Throwing Christians to the lions is a 2000-year-old institution. It dates back almost to the beginning of Christianity. It was good enough for our ancestors, and it's good enough for us. It's a tradition, and it's one that's working.

If we impose a ban on feeding Christians to lions, what's next? Are we going to have to start feeding them cow, like the Christians want? If we start feeding cows to the lions, where do we stop? When we start down that slippery slope, there's no reason we can't be feeding lions any assortment of animals.

But just because we can doesn't mean we should. While we could just start feeding lions, I don't know, fish or dogs or children, that doesn't mean we should do it. It would destroy that institution, one that's worked for so long. One that's the foundation of Western civilization.

It would be ridiculous to accuse me of being a Christophobe, because I have Christian friends. While Radical, Militant Christians like to paint anyone who supports the venerated institution of throwing Christians to lions as a bigot, that's just their way of silencing free speech. If they had their way, believe me, anyone who tried to throw a Christian to the lions or even preached about the importance of the institution would be put in prison.

Not all Christians are like that, though. And I'd suggest all of you go out and find a Christian friend. Let them know that you care and that you're trying to help them move away from that lifestyle.

This isn't about hating the believer, just the belief.

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Hilarious. Thanks.

*Wondering if some of our dearly beloveds on the Right will notice this is satire?*

yeah and verily I sayth unto you......go forth and love the christian but hate the christianity.

behindTheCurtain | December 17, 2008 1:31 PM

You succumb to their logic, and in doing so, stoop to it-- even though you probably wrote this with your tongue deeply in your cheek.

What you can fight is orthodoxy and disinformation. You can spread your message with unconditional love, which is what we're all seeking.

If you want to polarize Christians, you do so at gaining an enemy, rather than embracing, while citing certain member's marginalized idiocy.

And were I to judge your piece based on the laughability of word substitution, I'll admit I laughed.


Surely you don't have them over for dinner. How could you?

Religion has always been the enemy of democracy and social progress. In the case of the christers they’re ideas are a carryover of the howling madness of the Dark Ages. The Iranian ayatollahs and the US armed death squads of al Sistani in Iraq are carrying on the christer tradition of murder that was ended by the French and Russian Revolutions.

The christers differ from the ayatollahs only in their ability to harm us, not their intent.

The huge number of rightwing male politicians caught having sex with men is one indicator that accepting the superstition and ignorance of religious groups leads to self loathing internalized homophobia.

There are some religious groups that haven’t burnt anyone at the stale in a century or more but they're still based on superstition, mythology, and ignorance. They could and often do revert to roots and climb back in the sewers of superstition. Rowan Williams does it daily. Pat Robertson was a rabid racist opponent of the civil rights movement before he discovered gold in televangelism. Ratzinger der Pope never left the sewers, going from a promising career in the NSDAP to the roman cult after Nazism was defeated.

Religious and cult leaders are antiscientific and anti-humanist. Their ideas have no value.

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | December 17, 2008 4:10 PM

I realize that there is an underlying tongue-in-cheek satire in your piece, Alex, including the observation that "Not all Christians are like that, though".

But I think many people who consider themselves to be (to a greater or lesser degree) followers of Christ may be a bit non-plussed because they deeply resent the fact that the Rightous Right has appropriated, or more accurately, mis-appropriated the term "Christian" to apply only to their corner of a considerably wider religious spectrum.

I don't think you meant to sweep in reconciling United Methodist congregations, to give but one of many examples.

Actually, some of my best friends really are Christian. Which means that I get a "get out of gaffe free" card. :)

I was thinking about that when writing this, since Christian/gay is a false dichotomy. There are plenty of gay christians, and gay affirming churches, as you point out.

I dunno. At the point where I was writing about lions, I was just kinda hoping that anyone reading this would interpret it well. And maybe the fact that it really just doesn't work in the other direction points out some of the flaws in the original "but I have gay friends" argument.

Don Sherfick Don Sherfick | December 17, 2008 6:27 PM

Not to be overly concerned here.....some of my best friends are lions. I'm just reluctant to invite the over for dinner unless and until we get our respective roles, I mean......

Don, you've just been hanging out over at Veritas Rex too much. That's all. :)

LOL, lol, lol! Do you think the lions would like something to stretch their food along the lines of hamburger helper, it could be called Christian helper? Maybe a few other religious groups as the additive? What is the funniest is that I am an Ordained Reverend and your piece is so hilarious!

I love it Alex!

May I help with menu planning for the Christians' dinner? Perhaps some favorites from the Old Testament; shrimp cocktail for appetizer, and then braised pork chops for the main entree. Of course they won't mind eating foods prohibited in Leviticus. I'd suggest a plate of figs and dates for dessert.

Now on to wardrobe... I think I'll wear my robe of mixed fibers...