John Shields

(AP) NORAD Headquarters, CO, 01.04.09

Filed By John Shields | April 01, 2009 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment

In a stunning act that has taken world political and military leaders by surprise, three members of Code Pink have seized the nuclear codes for the United States Military.

We're still getting video and audio feeds in, and so at this time do not know how the 3 pink terrorists managed to grab what is called the "nuclear football" holding the codes to the world's most powerful weaponry. We will provide more information as it comes over the wires.

We do have word, however, that President Obama, his family and members of the National Security Agency are safely aboard Air Force One. Most senior Cabinet members, as well as leaders of both the House and Senate, are being airlifted to an undisclosed location somewhere in West Virginia.

From news reports, Code Pink says it will launch all of the U.S. military's nuclear missiles directly at Washington unless its demands are met. According to a spokeswoman for the group, their demands include passage of hate crimes legislation, repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, and that every Republican in Congress wear pink every other Wednesday.

Leaders around the globe have expressed concern regarding the events unfolding in Washington. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said "What? American political leaders continue to show us their ignorance, and now they let a few women get past the Secret Service for this? Jeez, just shoot me now."

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, meeting top world leaders at the G-20 summit in England, said "They're not going to do that. I know them, I've been with a couple of them, relax."

Meanwhile, leaders in the Middle East said this would not be a problem, but possibly a solution. One military commander, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the world could do without Washington putting its nose in everyone else's business. He said, and I quote, "They've screwed up the world enough as it is. I'm going back to my afternoon tea."

The leaders of Code Pink, speaking to one of our reporters while watching the events unfold on their single analog television with rabbit ears (in an undisclosed location), said they weren't just yet ready to nuke Washington.

One member, however, put it this way: "America has been screwing over the planet for so long, and we get screwed by Washington all the time, I don't think it will be missed." She warned city residents, however, to evacuate the city as - in her words - unless things change, they'll open the briefcase with the codes. With a blowtorch.

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