Nathan Strang

New iPod Shuffle Adapter is... DiScreet [Anal Probe]

Filed By Nathan Strang | April 01, 2009 3:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment, Gay Geeks
Tags: Apple, April Fool's, iPod Shuffle, new Apple

Geeks love the patent office; it's where companies call dibs on new tech and interfaces just so they can sue each other for billions later. For Apple Fanboys, the patent office is the sneak peak into the crazy minds at Cupertino. In fact, you can't call yourself a real fanboy unless you have this search query bookmarked in Safari.

Since I'm a gay geek, not only do I like to scroll the patent office for Apple tech, but occasionally I like to see whats going on in the wide world of adult toys. Today was my lucky day as this morning I came across a double whammy. After some random string searches (I think it was "iPod AND Anal"), I discovered a fresh submission by a company called PleaShare with a unique idea for a headphone adapter for the 4thGen iPod Shuffle.

It's called the DiScreet... and it goes in your bum.


From the application the DiScreet is a self contained "4th generation iPod Shuffle headphone adapter molded into a silicone sleeve intended for anal insertion." Woah.

Let me break it down:

  1. 201 - silicone sleeve, gently ribbed for your pleasure. General dimensions make the adapter about an inch thick in diameter. The sleeve is circular in shape, with all the electronics embedded, and a slot for your shuffle to go.
  2. 202 - the DiScreet powers itself by jacking (*giggle*) into the Shuffle, where it can assume control of the iPod.
  3. 203 - a headphone jack extender cord allows you to plug in your own headphones offers assistance in "extraction." Just don't push it in too deep or you are Shit-out-of-iPod
  4. 204 - the control board processes the unique controls
  5. 205 - want a little buzz when listening to Lady Gaga? Better keep your poker face on when this little bullet hums to the beat. talk about haptic feedback FTW
  6. 206 - This is where the magic happens... its called ClutchControl, and it works with these little wires that touch when you clench your sphincter (kegels). Clench once to play/pause, twice to skip song, and three times to go to the previous song. Hold your butt really tight and you can activate Apple's VoiceOver feature.

I'm a little disappointed that there aren't any volume controls, unless you use the stock apple earbuds which sorta defeat the purpose of an adapter, eh? However, if you enjoy apple products and things in your bum, here ya go; put this on your naughty Christmas list.

A little more searching shows that PleaShare is a startup from San Francisco, and they are currently trying to get the licensing right for the headphone adapter authentication chip. Seems like Apple Inc. is being a tight ass over who they let in on their little headphone scheme. Lets hope they loosen up a bit for the DiScreet.

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I tested one of these pre-release. The only song I could make it play was Moon River.

The shuffle is just too small for me. I need a portable music player with girth.

A. J. Lopp | April 2, 2009 2:39 PM

Nathan! Those assholes! They stole our idea right from between our cheeks!

[Don't believe Nathan and I thought of this first? Check out the comments HERE!!]