Father Tony

Why I am returning to the Roman Catholic Priesthood

Filed By Father Tony | April 01, 2009 12:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: ex-gay ministries, roman catholic church

I have an announcement to make about a decision I have reached after several months of soul-searching. I am returning to active ministry in the Roman Catholic Church. As some of you may know, I was never suspended, so my return to the priesthood is a non-event as far as the Church is concerned.

I will miss all of you, and I certainly hope that your prayers will guide you to stop attacking His Holiness Benedict XVI, who is the Vicar of Christ on earth, and who, in his infinite compassion wishes to embrace all of you and cloak you with the overwhelmingly salubrious grace and peace of our Lord and Savior. Turn to him if you are unhappy or unhealthy.

How did I reach my decision? Well, I could no longer ignore the messages I was receiving from Jesus. He sent me crow's feet and a receding hairline. He speaks through cashiers who call me Sir, and not in the hot way. This despite my prayers to remain forever 35 years old (Yes, I'm finally revealing my real age).

Something that happened yesterday finally caused my conversion (reversion?). While clipping my toenails in the bathroom, the ones that fell on the floor spelled out the word MARY!

How can I ignore both Jesus and his mother?

As to that inconvenience known as my husband, you will find him available on Craigslist under household and small appliances.

My blessings upon all of you, and if we should ever pass each other on the street, just pretend you don't see me, because blinded anew by the brilliant light of God's face, I won't notice you, even though I forgive you.

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I'm holding my watch in the air because it's too late to save the shoes.

Our loss, Pope Benny the Rat's gain.

Happy April Fool's to you, too...

A. J. Lopp | April 1, 2009 1:30 PM

Speaking of Craigslist, Father Tony ... will you be selling those toenail clippings?

(Be careful what glue you use to mount them --- it could affect the smell.)

Dear A. J.,

Madre Pasqualina, the nasty nun who was housekeeper for Pope Pius XII, used to collect the hair on his pillow after he got out of bed in the morning, thinking that after his canonization, they'd be valuable relics. There's a jar of them somewhere in some Italian convent.

Phil Attey | April 1, 2009 2:25 PM

Does such a life-change customarily affect the frequency of bathhouse visitation? And if so, does the frequency increase or decrease?

Dear Phil,
No change in frequency, but my husband usually does the driving back and forth, as I am a notoriously poor driver (until I'm through the door...)

*snickers* You lot are killing me today!

John Shields John Shields | April 1, 2009 2:58 PM

Well, now at least you will be among men that legally abuse boys for profit, as most of them usually get away with it...


I've already seen you on your knees quite often. I know you can go on and on happy to hear your own voice for hours on end. I know you can put away your wine and I've heard you're rather intimate with the body of man already.

So what the hell is changing? You'll get paid for those skills now?

St Sebastian of Dallas aka St Sebastian of the Dunes | April 1, 2009 6:25 PM

cario mio!

nonlo prenda in giro come questo !!!!

scriverete un libro per noi?


Caro Sebastiano,

Forse, nel futuro, un libro, ma adesso, non c'e tempo. A la spiaggia quando c'e sole, ed anche fuori nella notte...una vita complicata, non?
Don Antonio

Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | April 2, 2009 12:52 AM

Padre Don Antonio Chianti!

Illegitimus ne carborundum, non?

Vita Complicata si! :)

And today, in Manhattan, a group of gay men finally CAME CLEAN about the "bear" label being a cover for being a bearded hairy slob.

Can i house sit your plants?

Lynn David Lynn David | April 2, 2009 3:22 AM

Let me know where your rectory will be.....

And I'll bet the shit in the toilet bowl spelled out Jesus!