Michele O'Mara

Why Regular Sex in Monogamous Relationships Is Important

Filed By Michele O'Mara | April 21, 2009 9:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: importance, lesbian, monogamous, reasons, relationship advice, sex, sexual challenges

So what's the big deal about sex? Some want it, some don't. Truth is, there are all sorts of things in life we want, but don't necessarily get. Why then, is sex perceived by so many as some sort of human right or fundamental ingredient in a relationship?

As it turns out, the way we are engineered as human beings reveals that sex has value that transcends the bodily pleasures we have come to enjoy as a result of these activities! There are several reasons why regular sexual activity in our primary, committed relationships is important. Read on to discover what some of these reasons are.


Sex Releases Bonding Hormones

In romantic love, when two people have sex, oxytocin is released, which helps bond the relationship. According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, the hormone oxytocin has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people." When it is released during orgasm, it begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond.

Sex Can Create a Unique Spiritual Connection

Sex is unlike any other communication available to us. There is no other form of communication that joins so many aspects of who we are with another. In a single act - making love - we are able to share our bodies, our mind and our spirits with another. With sexual intimacy, we can communicate on various levels simultaneously and we can do this with or without the use of words - achieving one of the most complicated and in many ways evolved form of communication with another. Having sex, in and of itself, does not achieve this form of spiritual connection. The spiritual piece of the connection is having something deeply personal, emotional, and heartfelt to communicate with your body.

Sex is a Form of Communication

Sex is a way of communicating a desire to be close, loving and connected. Sex is a language in and of itself - and when it is shared by two people those two people can continually expand their vocabulary and fine-tune the meanings of certain interactions. This type of communication requires the same level of attentiveness, listening, and clarification as talking does. Like verbal communication, there is room for misunderstanding and disconnection.

Great Sex Comes From Great Relationships

Sex is not the key to love; love is the key to sex. A great relationship can create great sex, but great sex (alone) can not create a great relationship. The more you develop your emotional connection, the more satisfying and pleasurable your physical connection can be.

Skill and technique are part of the equation; however, unresolved anger and resentment, or unaddressed fears and hurts can prevent even the most skilled lovers from having effective and satisfying sexual connections.

Sex Is a Natural Desire

We humans have a naturally occurring sex drive that is hormonally driven and varies in intensity from person-to-person. If we are in a committed, monogamous relationship and sex is not a part of this relationship - for whatever reason - then where and how is that need supposed to be met? By insuring the health of your sexual connection in the context of your relationship you are able to prevent the build up of sexual tension, resentment, and feelings of hurt and rejection that sometimes can lead the sexually starved partner to stray.

Insuring the health of your sexual relationship is as important as insuring the health of all other forms of communication in your relationship. Next month we will focus on common reasons for sexual challenges in relationships and remedies to start addressing these concerns.

This is the second installment of a three part series. The first part is "Sex in Monogamous Relationships."

Recent Entries Filed under Living:

Leave a comment

We want to know your opinion on this issue! While arguing about an opinion or idea is encouraged, personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please be respectful of others.

The editorial team will delete a comment that is off-topic, abusive, exceptionally incoherent, includes a slur or is soliciting and/or advertising. Repeated violations of the policy will result in revocation of your user account. Please keep in mind that this is our online home; ill-mannered house guests will be shown the door.

This is sound advice that applies to all continuing or long-term relationships... including polyamorous ones. I do not understand why the word monogamous is being used here as though oxytocin, connections beyond the physical, communication, and great relationships are topics that are significant within closed relationships but do not apply to relationships that are structured differently.

By going out of your way to include "monogamous" in these headlines, it sounds like you are creating a division where the people on the mono side have access to a different toolbox than the people on the other side. Actually, both sides have the same tools and we use them the same way... poly people just have more than one person on which to use them. The methods and the desired outcomes (long-lasting, loving relationships) are the same.

Hey there...good to see the Poly response. As someone in a 11 yr plus poly triad relationship, it's always good to hear from others in similar relationships. Would love to chat more with you.

It's Still Cold Here | April 21, 2009 2:35 PM

That's great unless one person has completely lost interest in sex and hasn't wanted any in 5 years.


Or is very limited in ability and willingness. Some people just are not that into it or so focused on one particular thing that it just doesn't happen much.

Joseph Kowalski | April 21, 2009 5:56 PM

All very good advice for a successful relationship of any kind.

Yes, FUN is another good reason, Bil. Thanks for the addition. :)

After my first serious relationship, I was hurt badly and so deemed it logical to launch a sexual expedition of sorts. To get out there, sans relationship, and just have experiences - learn things, try things, see what kind of fun I can have. I succeeded in my mission to have lots of sex with lots of people and the end product of my escapades was the conclusion that sex was not nearly as good without that emotional/relationship connection that this article speaks to.

So happy I found this blog!