Waymon Hudson

I Don't Care What You Do in the Privacy of Your Own Home...

Filed By Waymon Hudson | May 31, 2009 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Fundie Watch, Living, The Movement
Tags: Christian beliefs, hypocritical motherfuckers, privacy, recruiting, religious beliefs

I'm just sick of them rubbing it my face. privacy.jpgI don't "hate" them, I just don't want to see it. They can do it in the privacy of their own home, but stop forcing it down my throat.

Familiar arguments against the LGBT community? Nope. It's my reaction to the two different church groups that came to my door today to "save" my soul.

After resisting the urge to turn on my sprinklers or answer the door in the nude, I had to laugh at the hypocrisy of religious groups that want to convert the world to their viewpoint and shout their faith from the mountaintops (or from my porch), yet tell LGBTs to not live openly.

While I am obviously not a big fan of organized religion, I respect others' rights to worship as they please. Just please stop trying to get me to do it with you.

And stop doing it so early in the morning on a weekend.

The problem I have is this burning need to convert everyone to their particular worldview. It is a basic tenet of many faiths- go and spread the "good word" to save poor sinners like me. Too many times these aren't just "personal beliefs" to live by in your private life, but a map of how everyone should act.

Yes, the same groups that say I am "flaunting my sexuality" by being openly gay or (gasp) wanting equal rights regularly come knocking on my door to shove their beliefs in my face. And they somehow fail to see the hypocrisy in this.

My unwanted visitors today tried different tactics. After realizing I was "a gay" (I'm mean, it's not hard to figure out when I come to the door holding my little dog in a rainbow shirt), one group tried to uncomfortably skirt the fact with code phrases like "oh, we're all sinners" and "God can heal anything". I managed to resist rolling my eyes as I closed the door. It was a little early in the morning for subtle homophobia.

The other group was more overt in their condemnation. The lead evangelist told me how I was living was a sin, to which I replied "What? When did being a homeowner become a sin? Or is it because I eat shellfish? Did you catch me coveting my neighbor's possessions?"

I can be a bit snarky in the morning.

The group seemed a bit aghast that I would make light of their very serious condemnation, saying "Hell is no laughing matter, son."

I resisted the urge to get angry and started laughing instead. It all just struck me as terribly funny that these people were invading my home, telling me how to live and that I was going to hell, and I was still in my pajamas.

Yes, I was working at the terrible gay agenda by unloading the dishwasher.

When they saw I was just smiling and shaking my head instead of falling to my knees to beg for forgiveness, they looked at me as if I was spewing green pea soup like in "The Exorcist." Still giggling, I politely told them I was happy with who I am and that they should leave, then closed the door. I watched through the peephole as they stood looking at each other and shaking their heads. Another sinner slipped through their fingers.

For all the charges of gays trying to "recruit" others to their "lifestyle", it's funny how the only people I see going door to door to get new members are the antigay religious forces.

Now back to unloading my dishwasher and flaunting my gayness...

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-Hell is no laughing matter, son.

-Yeah, but your mom's face is!

Problem solved.

LMAO- Why didn't I think of that?

Maybe we should all start recruiting door to door to convert more people to LGBT. I think we should travel in pairs, who wants to go with me? I've picked out just the perfect outfit for canvassing fundie neighborhoods. :-D

I will go but I get to be the stepford wife. I also want a beehive and a flower print dress.

We should dress alike! I have just the right flower print dress and my hair is basically a beehive anyway... ;)

I don't think I could do a beehive w/ my frizzy hair ;-)

Please, PLEASE come knock on my door Bill!! I could use a breakfast snack, some decorating tips and my hair style (or lack thereof) could use some help!

I live in a gated community which keeps most of the door-to-doors out but I've seen the white-shirts-with-tie-on-bike sneaking in before. Thankfully they've not tried my house yet.

gregorybrown | June 1, 2009 9:12 AM

I noticed a couple of years ago that fewer of the milk-fed lads ride bikes now. they travel in 2s and 4s in beige Ford Tauruses. That was in Toledo. Is it a national phenomenon?

First, what so many fail to note is that religion is a matter of choice....being GLBT is not, yet religion is a category protected from discrimination. What's up with that? Second, freedom of religion also means freedom FROM religion.

Years ago, while working in a restaurant nights and attending school full time in the daytime, I was plagued by the JWs. They would appear at my door regularly at stupid o' clock and hit me with their pitch (I don't know about you, but if I thought that I were one of only 144,000 who are to make it to heaven, I don't think I'd be out recruiting more to join the party. I might be inclined to keep it to myself.).

I tried to reason with them, and explain that they were basically waking me in the middle of the night. I contacted their Kingdom Hall and asked the pastor to be exempted from these visits. They persisted. Finally, I had a word with Sgt. Bob Jenkins, the beat cop in our neighborhood. Bob was very helpful. He advised me to post a "no soliciting, no religious materials" sign on my door. Then, if they rang my bell, I'd have grounds for prosecution.

I followed Sgt. Bob's advice, but early one morning, after studying til 4:00 AM for a midterm, they appeared again. I wouldn't have answered, but I was expecting a friend to pick up little Noodles and schlep him to the vet for me. Upon seeing them there, my reaction was pretty clear to the woman in charge of the group, who said to a smirking young teenager, "I told you not to ring that bell!"

The kid started to laugh. I went ballistic and hauled off and punched him square in the nose, sending him reeling into the middle of Hollins St. Unfortunately, Sgt. Bob was rounding the corner at that very moment, and having witnessed the incident, was duty bound to slap the cuffs on me.

I was hailed as a hero by all the turnkeys at the Southern District lockup, who all shook my hand and provided me with lots of free cigarettes during my processing. Eventually, the state dropped the charges, and the pastor of the congregation was admonished by the judge to respect the wishes of their victims to be left alone. After that, they conspicuously avoided my block altogether, and my neighbors were eternally grateful.

Since that time, I have found the answering the door nekkid approach to be quite effective.

I would give you a big kiss and hearty hug if you opened the door with a rainbow shirt and little doggie in your arms. So there!!!!!
I had Jehovas stopping by when i lived in Florida and just told them i have a religion and have no intention of changing it, Bye.
As far as the hypocrisy of staying private goes? Way too difficult. Simply turn on the television or open a magazine and the flagrant, blatant, unabashed and debasing dipictions of open heterosexuality in all its crass forms is there to greet you every day, all day 24/7 365. I did once tell two young women that they were so pretty to be so dismal and gloomy with their talk about apocalypse and god taking up only 900 people in the end of days. It's boring sunday theater. Not interested. SLAM!!!!!!!!!!! And dust your feet off afterward, keep moving forward. That was actually a curse Jesus himself used quite a bit.

and i will gaze unremarkably outward with one side of my mouth curled like i prefer more valium than saving souls.

Heh. I'll have to try the "I don't care what you do in private, as long as you don't flaunt your religion in front of me" line the next time I run into some fundie acting all concerned over where my "soul" will go after I die.

Bill Vayens | May 31, 2009 3:11 PM


"Hi, I'm going door to door this morning talking to my neighbors about the joys of homosexuality.

I wonder if you've had the opportunity to share the wonders that come from the music of Cher or Liza or the Broadway magic that is Patti LuPone?

Perhaps I could come in and whip you up a little breakfast snack while I show you ways that you could redecorate this humble little abode of yours?

I would hate to have your subscription to Bravo and HGTV suspended. Have you considered what it would be like to go through life without a decent hairstyle?

Before I go, just remember that you can find reruns of Will & Grace on your television, if you'd like to learn more about the wonders of our lifestyle. I'll make sure that we have a couple of our sisters stop by in the coming weeks to see how you're doing on your road to recovery."

That's it- Bill is our official speech writer... LOL

The gay agenda has been revealed!

Bill Vayens | May 31, 2009 4:06 PM

My "gay agenda" is VERY simple...


They really need to come up with a better selling point than spending eternity with them!

Now that sounds like "hell"

I know! What a downer having to spend eternity with them! Yeesh!

The easiest way to solve this problem?

Trap doors.

or a moat w piranhas and ferocious lesbigators...

This is classic—thanks! I'll have to remember these witty rejoinders the next time there's a religious knock on the door.

I had an interesting encounter with three Mormon missionary boys recently. If you'd like to read how it went, click here.

uhhh... he forgot to leave the educational materials.. The Joy of Gay Sex

While we're all laughing at what happened, we need to pause a sec and realize that these "religious" zealots (I simply call them morons, but I digress) do make inroads......and that is truly very sad. The religious "right" is anything but; however, they now say there is nothing wrong with standing up, especially to us, for what they "believe". We need to stand fast and give it back, point for point......Rick(my Partner) and I have one thing to say to the righteous "Jesus freaks" - we know our Jesus never did - and doesn't - hate.

Way to go, Waymon - I think I would have definitely said something........and it wouldn't have been very nice.

All The Best....


Robert Ganshorn Robert Ganshorn | May 31, 2009 11:50 PM

In a multi ethnic neighborhood in Chicago I had a knock on my door by one minister & "flock" and they immediately apologized. I was not fluent Spanish speaking so they did not want me.

Heaven is only for those who speak Spanish? :)

Another group came to our door when I was away, and awoke my partner, who assured them he would be glad to come to their church provided they attend a Satanic service with him.

Those blue haired ladies ran away!

Rick Elliott | June 1, 2009 1:59 AM

Do you know why Jehovah's Witness women have depressed nipples?
Pointing with two fingers, "Get off my porch!"
Even though I'm a minister, I still have the urge to be a smart ass. In high school I was singled out by a group of enthusiastic bible-thumpers. They began, "When were you saved?" My response, "From the beginning of time."
Undaunted they asked, "Have you found Jesus?" To which I smirked, "I didn't know he was lost!"
They finally let me alone.

When tell me that I will be going to hell, I remind them that all the fun and interesting people will be there... My "eternity" looks rosy compared to theirs. :)

Both my Partner John and myself were raised in religious families. We were taught that the Old Testament is simply to be seen as literature and our faith was based on the New Testament. There is nothing anti Gay in the New Testament.We were taught that we should always ask ourselves the question what would Jesus do? Sadly in my opinion many religions have loss their focus and been hijacked by the religious right. That being said what right do they have to get in our face so to speak.

gregorybrown | June 1, 2009 9:18 AM

Typically, the demographic for Jehovah's Witnesses skews toward less educated, lower income people, and includes large numbers of racial/ethnic minorities. I've always suspected that part of the appeal in witnessing is the opportunity to show up dressed better than most people who stumble to the door unkempt--a sin of pride, at the least.

I Answer the door.

Bible lady::: "Hello we are here to spread gods word. Are you familiar w/bible verse blah blah blah?"

Me::: "Oh - yes! I am actually thank you. But you see, I'm a Lesbian and you don't want me in your church."

Bible lady::: "Oh."

***extremely uncomfortable long pause***

Me::: **still smiling**

Bible lady::: "Well we believe it's a 'choice'."

Me::: "Yes. I understand. I choose to continue being a lesbian. Be careful when you go down the drive way. It's extremely icey and I don't want you to get hurt."

Bible lady::: "Oh."

Me::: "Thank you. Have a nice day."

My children, who I refer to as the Philistines, thought I was to hard on her and expected to see goats blood on the door after a few days.

diddlygrl | June 1, 2009 9:35 AM

The last group of religious types to grace my door was shown my altar to the Goddess with the cup, bell, pentacle, candles, and nice sharp athame, and decided I was a lost cause.

That is not the reason I keep my altar where I do, but it does make a nice conversation piece when the fundies drop by for a visit.

Open the door and say, "Excuse me, but I was just about to make a blood sacrifice to Satan when you knocked, but can I help you?"

Love the column. lol Years ago I was sitting on a porch with a group of friends and two young Mormons came to talk to us. The owner of the house asked them quickly what the church's stance on gays and lesbians was. They stumbled a bit, looking each of us in the face as we smiled pleasantly back at them. I could see it slowly dawning on them that they had discovered a nest of lesbians in their assigned neighborhood. Everyone was very polite and they went on their way. I felt sort of bad for them. :(

"A nest of Lesbians"

What a great visual! LOL