Tobi Hill-Meyer

Tobi: Then and Now

Filed By Tobi Hill-Meyer | May 11, 2009 11:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment
Tags: before and after, poly, then and now, Tobi Hill-Meyer, trans


  1. I was getting involved in my second relationship ever after my partner and I decided to be poly.
  2. I identified as bisexual even though all my partners had been women - I knew identity and behavior don't always have to match up.
  3. I was flirting with the photographer but didn't think they'd actually get involved with me
  4. I had just resigned from my job in student government after 7 months of persistent anti-trans/genderqueer harassment.
  5. I had recently moved into a house owned by one of my favorite authors
  6. I identified as genderqueer, specifically not as a woman or man, and had been fighting my doctor to get access to hormones for 8 months
  7. I was so focused on gender and queerness it had been years since I hung out with my straight gaming friends from high school.
  8. I had recently completed banking sperm in preparation for starting hormones.
  9. I had never drank alcohol
  10. This photo was from the first set of nude pictures I posted online.


  1. I've had a bit over a dozen partners, and that first relationship is still going and stronger than ever.
  2. I identify as a dyke even though I date men - I still know that identity and behavior don't have to match up.
  3. Having spent a couple years healing from my abusive relationship with the first photographer, I plan to get handfasted with the wonderful genderqueer who took this picture.
  4. I don't have any problems with my current job, probably in part because I'm stealth there.
  5. I'm still in the same house and will be here for another year or two.
  6. I've been on hormones for over 4 years and identify as a woman and as genderqueer.
  7. I've got new gaming friends in my life and I'm sure to devote regular time to gaming.
  8. I'm now a donor for friends who are inseminating right now. If everything works out alright, my partner and I will be god parents.
  9. I've had alcohol now, but still less than a dozen drinks in total.
  10. I've had many nude photos online, both for fun and for pay. Overall, it has really improved my body image.

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Awesome Tobi! Just one thing: You didn't answer the most important question, at least to a fellow gamer like me: What do you play?

Ahh, when I was in high school it was mostly video games and collectable card games. The one I was really into was star wars (the game based on the original movies, not the game based on the prequels). Oh, and I guess the chess team counts too.

These days, video games are still something, but I don't want to dedicate the same amount of time or money to them. Same with collectible card games -- to expensive when you add it up. About a year and a half ago I finally got to learn pen and paper role playing games. I've played D&D, DMed a campaign, and now am being introduced to vampire: the masquerade.

Very cool. I played Magic: The Gathering for a while, but that faded when those I played with moved away. I was never a big D&D player, but played now and then when it was first popular. Nowadays, I'm pretty much exclusively a video game player. I played Eve-Online for about a year, and may get back into the MMOG thing when Star Trek Online opens, but right now it's mostly solo video games on my PSP and my new PC when I get it (it originally arrived last week but I had to send it back to have a defective part replaced).

I always thought you were cute, but now I can see that you are damn cute. Thanks for sharing your "Then and Now." It was beautiful.

Cathy Renna Cathy Renna | May 11, 2009 4:27 PM

this is terrific Tobi, should be required reading for the identity politics set ;-)

These are some adorable photos.

Do you worry at all about the donor thing? The law is really weird lately with that. There have been some stories about people getting nailed with child support despite the existing laws and agreements in cases of donation and even adoption. Plus I guess it would just make me feel weird later on, thinking about having a bio kid running around that you aren't involved with or parenting. Some people do it though, I guess it works for them.

No, not really. I know about the risks, but I grew up with all of them, being a product of donor insemination myself. We discussed through our intentions and have a clear idea of what all parties involved want. Contracts are more valid than they were when I was a kid, but it's true it's possible they could sue for child support or I could sue for custody, but we're close friends and trust each other.

I'm not going to be a parent, but I won't be uninvolved. I'll be a godparent, a bit like an aunt, and likely a frequent babysitter. When I have a kid myself, they'll be half-siblings. Essentially, we're planning an intentional family together.

Most of all, though, donor insemination was how my family was created, and nothing seems more natural to me.

That's really cool of you. I think it would hurt me too much to be in that situation, seeing my child every day but not being the parent. But not everyone has those kinds of selfish feelings I guess. Still, it will be a spiritual moment when you look into the child's eyes and see yourself... wow kind of a trip hehe

Both before and after, you're beautiful. :)

I'm genderqueer too, but as an m2f I feel like its not something I can really discuss with my therapist or endo. It's ridiculous!

That was exactly the problem I had when I told my endo. It took 8 months when she normally had folks wait 3 months all because I was the "first" genderqueer patient she had and she wanted to be extra sure -- although I knew two genderqueers who had gone to her first, they just didn't come out to her.

It all depends on how much your therapist or endo is a gatekeeper. I eventually found a doctor and a therapist who are very clear that they are not there to judge me but there to help me. And both have quite a bit of experience with other genderqueer folks. In fact, it was a question I asked them when I was looking for a dr and a therapist. But yeah, unless you know otherwise or trust them quite well, the general advice I hear is don't talk about genderqueer stuff with your medical gatekeepers.

Thanks for being so beautiful, out and proud!!You speak for so many of us who are frustrated by the need of others to classify us, including some of our supposed "allies".

Great to see you! You've always been wonderfully self-confident (even when you were feeling shy!). You look fabulous in both photos, and I wish you all the best for your handfasting, potential god-parenting, and in everything else you do!