Sara Whitman

Warm, warm, and warm

Filed By Sara Whitman | May 19, 2009 3:30 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: coming home, Maine, Ogunquit, personal journeys, roughing it

Ok, enough.

Enough with the cold, enough with the bad coffee, enough with the compost toilet.

Enough with the silence.

I left downeast and came to Ogunquit. I've never been so happy to see traffic.

I had a friend call and tell me to get on a conference call. She said I needed to hear some people, get a grip.

She's right.

Mind you, this is someone who thinks deep thoughts. She did not say it's time to get your head out of your ass, Whitman, but I know she was thinking it.

I am grateful for the time I had. The beautify of the coast. The harbor seals, the eagles. But I'm only human and I can only take so much. After a restless, sleepless night, and the dog snorting at me at 5:30AM to go out, I was done. I cleaned up, packed up, closed down and left.

I'm not doing the conference call, though.

I miss my kids, I miss my wife, but mostly, I missed people. I don't want to be far away anymore. I've kept myself far away, distant, in so many ways. Safe.

And alone.

I learned something about the parts that drive me. I also learned that I don't have to be miserable to be "working." I also don't have to work all the time to be a good person. It's enough to be a mom. A partner. A good friend. It really is enough. Those are the things I'll take to my grave. No job, no movement, no award will ever stack up to the friends and family I have. The love I have in my life.

Now? I'm going to eat a tasty Italian sub, no mayo this time, chug a giant bottle of vitamin water and go to bed without the dog snoring next to me.

I am a blessed person. It's time to remember that.

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I spent many, many years not liking myself.

I was always striving for one more accomplishment so that I could be satisfied with who I was. Eventually, I thought I would be happy, but I needed to be more.

I didn't learn to start liking myself until I became disabled, unable to work and rarely able to leave the house. Privation, it seems, forced me to value what I had. I've lost quite a bit during my disability (which is still ongoing), but I found a surprising appreciation for the blessings I have: family (well, sometimes), friends, and indoor plumbing.

From what you have written, it sounds as if you have had a fascinating, and very human, experience during your time. I'm going to have to re-read the articles you've posted here to appreciate the whole picture!

I'm glad the time alone was helpful, Sara. Sometimes the only thing that clears the mind is taking some time away to stop and think. I envy you that you have the place to go and a spouse who understands.

You seem like you are flowing which means it's "working".