Alex Blaze

Gay conservation

Filed By Alex Blaze | October 26, 2009 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Entertainment

They're right - this is a real problem. Like the wetlands and capital letters, animal names must be conserved.

A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal species have been adopted to describe various gay subcultures. "Many know that bears are large hairy gay men, and that otters are homosexuals who are smaller in stature but still hirsute," said Professor Arvid Sabin, lead author of the study, which also clarifies such denotations as wolf, panda bear, dragonfly, starfish, trout, and yeti. "But do they know, for instance, that 'chicken' is used to describe a thin, inexperienced 18- to 29-year-old gay male? Before long, we could see homosexuals referring to one another as pelicans or even Gila monsters." The study concluded that if immediate conservation measures are not taken, all animal species will be exhausted by 2015 and the gay community will have to start dipping into the plant kingdom.

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And when we're done with the plant kingdom, we'll have to dip into the baked goods category.

Although..."twink" doesn't count, does it? And it isn't really derived from "twinkie," is it? Not that Twinkies are really *baked* goods in the strictest sense...or, perhaps, really, even food...

Notice, of course, Yasmin and all, that "twinkies" are small and light, but mostly importantly they have been injected with a smooth, delicious but utterly non-nutritious creme filling. Quite apropos.

I would like to officially here declare that the term "T.Rex" has also been taken. By me.

A T-Rex is a very obese and/or ugly gay man, usually well past his prime, who has very little or no social skills, and haunts the bathhouses and/or sex clubs pretending that he is the sexiest man on earth and attempting to break in on every instance of sexual activity that is not behind closed doors. If he is rebuffed, then he will back off about 3 feet and stare as if little red lasers were shining out of his eyes.

Identifying a T-Rex is very obvious, and once the other wildlife characters present have him and his omnivorous, insatiable appetite figured out, they learn to immediately scatter as soon as he enters the room.

The required characteristic of a T-Rex is that he has no concern whatsoever about interrupting the experiences of others, and thinks everyone should accept him as a sex partner. (After all, he will hump anything that moves, so why shouldn't everyone hump him?)

Not to be confused with the physically similar brontosaurus, who will watch the erotic proceedings for a few seconds and then gently move on.

P.S. When I said "By me" I didn't mean I'm a T.Rex, I meant I'm the first one (to the best of my knowledge) to coin the term.

(As I get older, though, it is possible I might someday become a brontosaurus.)

You did catch that this is from the Onion right? As in, the newspaper that is completely satire?

I thought we were already into the plant kingdom too. After all, I've been called a pansy before!