Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury:
I stand in the dock accused of defamation, of discrimination, by maligning the good intentions of GLEE, that favorite television show of the gays, by that most savage means and instrumentality of slander -- satire most foul.
Indeed, I admit it -- admit it most heartily. No, no, I will not deny, I will not abjure, I will not recant. I say unto GLEE: "Blame me not. Rather cry to your Congressmember."
Yes, my crime was profitable. In a few hours, my post had thousands of readers, whereas before, in my guise as a humble seller of ENDA, the boring job protections bill for the gays, I struggled to garner a straggling few here and there.
So what have I to say to you, who shall decide my fate?
I say take up the tele-phone machine, and say unto your Congressmember:
"Verily, I waste endless hours with the tele-vision machine, caring naught for real discrimination and harassment every day to my people, but to-day I put aside the tele-vision for a few minutes to call for ENDA, H.R. 3017, and say please and verily pass this bill." The number of the beast is 202-224-3121!
And what was it I declaimed so offensively to the sensibilities of you upstanding netizens, charged with the solemn duty of upholding the morality of this great realm?
I had the audacity to wonder out loud whether GLEE was truly a friend of the LGBT community, because they put words into the mouth of that foul villain, Coach Sue, that spoke of the "she-male," a vile creature more daunting than many-headed Scylla and swirling Charybdis, than the evil-coiffed Gorgon, than the deadly winged Sirens?
For that was I pilloried by 72 comments and more flung in my face. For that!? Verily, I said:
Awake, ye denizens of the net! Heed the call of the reality-based community! Shake off that horrific slumber induced by the tele-vision, and forget GLEE, even forsaking Coach Sue! Take ye action! Call your Congressmember and tell them you demand ENDA!
Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! -- no, no? They heard! -- they suspected! -- they KNEW! -- they were making a mockery of my horror! -- this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! -- and now -- again -- hark! louder! louder! louder! LOUDER! --
"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! I defamed GLEE! I called Congress at 202-224-3121! -- I demanded ENDA! -- tear up the planks! -- here, here! -- it is the beating of her hideous heart!"
Jillian Weiss, having been convicted of homosexual offenses, will henceforth be blogging from her new location at Reading Gaol.