Jesse Monteagudo

Today, I'm a Republican

Filed By Jesse Monteagudo | April 01, 2010 3:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics

In my last post, I expressed my dissatisfaction with the Democratic Party and the Obama Administration, due to their dismal record on LGBT rights and other progressive issues. Republican_3way.jpgThere finally came a time when President Obama's flip-flopping and backtracking took me to the point of no return. Today, I am becoming a Republican.

I admit that joining the GOP was not an easy choice. Do I really want to be in the same Party as Rick Perry, Mitch McConnell and Bill McCollum? On the other hand, being a Republican means that I'll be able to share a voting booth with the likes of Marco Rubio or Aaron Shock.

I can go blond like Ann Coulter or Laura Ingraham or sport a "natural" tan like Charlie Crist or John Boehner. I can even learn to cry like Glenn Beck. Even better, being a Republican will provide me with boundless opportunities for gay sex. (Note to Michael: This does not mean that I will take advantage of those opportunities.)

Hardly a week goes by that we don't hear about another well-placed Republican politician, caught enjoying gay sex in airport bathrooms, public parks, video stores or other public places. In fact, as a Republican I can have both a "lovely" wife and a lovely gay life, something I couldn't do as a Democrat.

If Ricky Martin could shake his gay bootie at George W. Bush's inauguration, I can probably do a queer chicken dance at the Palin home in Wasilla, Alaska.

In future columns, I will write more about my life as a "born again" Republican. I plan to attend my share of gun shows, NASCAR races and tea bag conventions, and party like it's 1899. You might even see me at Log Cabin Republican meetings, shaking hands with my Cuban cousins, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen and all the Diaz-Balarts.

But, most of all, as a new-born Republican I'll be a member of the Party of No, which is more certain than the Party of a Wobbly Maybe.

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Chitown Kev | April 1, 2010 3:46 PM


Jesse, if I were you, I woouldn't shake that queer chicken boo-tay around the Palin home too much. Given the way in which I've seen poultry treated around Palin...

Tell me this is an April Fool joke, eh? You will have to drink the kool aid about death panels, and killing Grandma. Besides, there must be other less drastic ways to get gay sex.

Dan Massey | April 1, 2010 4:21 PM

If you are transitioning to Republican (a real DTR) you will need to keep us up to date on your progress. Specifically, which 'mones and PRS (political reassignment surgeries) are most helpful? The current Republicans seem to favor Datura&Fugu (standard Haitian Zombie powder) or grain alcohol, dosed to the point of achieving the required permanent brain damage. Or will you go for a surgical transition (trans-orbital lobotomy)? I hope you have the advice of a good counselor so you don't accidentally spare a couple of brain cells.

Frankly, I doubt you'll be able to pass successfully. Don't let anyone think your IQ is in the three-digit range, or you'll be denounced by the houngan on FOX (Glenn Beck?) and drummed out of the corps of true Zombies. Best is to be totally decerebrate, like the ones you see on TV all the time from Congress.

I urge you to buy a copy of my "69 Secrets to Successful Republicanization" for only $29.95 plus S&H before you make a complete fool of yourself by being too smart, too talkative, too opinionated, too poor, too poorly dressed, and without the right shade of bottled suntan. These are not minor matters to those who aspire to lead our nation down the rotting yellow brick road.

I hope you give them what they deserve. Keep smiling...

In honor of the day...

Best line in any of our fake posts today:

But, most of all, as a new-born Republican I'll be a member of the Party of No, which is more certain than The Party of a Wobbly Maybe.

Are you sugesting your getting a brain change? What will you do with all of the left over space in your skull?