The Catholic Church has announced that it's going to be cracking down on some of that unsavory behavior going on all over the world. They've re-classified the attempted ordination of a woman priest to be a "grave crime" on par with clergy molesting children.
Thinking this surely can't be correct, I turned to our resident expert on Catholicism, Father Tony, who shot me back this e-mail:
If, however, a priest were to rape a woman who was approaching the altar to get herself ordained by a semi-blind and senile bishop who thought she was a rentboy, that action would not be sinful because it would be construed as a valiant defense of the laws of God. You won't find this spelled out in canon law, because it would never happen because all priests are gay.
And suddenly it all made sense.