Don Davis

On Homeland Security

Filed By Don Davis | August 23, 2010 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: comedy, election 2010, humorous blog post, Insanity, Islam, Mosque, politics, Satire, Snark, terrorism

They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we're being told, sunita_tahini.jpgnot just because it's insensitive, but because we have no idea what they'll be up to down there. I mean, where did the money come from? Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway? And, at a time when our nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere? Well, I don't know about all of that, but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.
I can't give away too many details, for security reasons, but I can tell you that this particular distribution center is located about three miles from the Boeing Company's Renton, Washington, manufacturing site. (The assembly lines for the 737 family of aircraft and the US Navy's P-8A Poseidon antisubmarine patrol aircraft are all located on the property.) Off to the southwest of the Boeing plant are dozens of nondescript commercial buildings, all one or two stories tall--including some that store, produce, or process components and subassemblies that will eventually make their way over to that Boeing plant. We approach the unmarked building that interests us from the west, and even as we enter the parking lot we can see the terrorists gathering and going up the ramp to get inside--and it's already clear that one of the warnings I was given has already come to pass: they're operating under deep cover. I didn't let their cover fool me, though: it only takes a quick glance to know these are hardened veterans of jihad, and before I went in, I made sure I had taken every precaution. You can see terrorists coming out of the building with large sacks of what I can only assume must be ammonium nitrate; to protect their cover they're carrying the bags in what look like ordinary shopping carts. I could see that everyone who enters grabbed one of these carts first, presumably as a signal to the guards (who are hidden from view as I enter) that they belong there; I grab one of them as well and pass through the portals to the inner sanctum. Once inside I can see that there's no further pretense of trying to hide their presence; terrorists are everywhere, in costume, wandering about freely, and for the moment, at least, they seem unperturbed by my presence. The effort to maintain a cover story, however, even continues inside, as terrorist "sleeper cells" group up in what look like ordinary families, with a male and female, often accompanied by "terror children" and the occasional older terrorist "mentor," who were apparently disguised to look like grandparents. As I went inside the gathering of terrorist supplies continued, even in my presence, and it was amazing to see how effectively even ordinary looking objects could be "reinvented" as tools of terror. At least 1/3 of the facility is devoted to devices that appear to resemble ordinary produce but have obviously been repurposed for terrorist purposes; in that area I saw terror tomatoes, terror shallots, and even terrorist-enhanced pineapples openly on display... and the costumed devils who had come to this location were grabbing them up as if they were... well, pineapples. "Terror Tea" is evidently required if you hope to overthrow the infidels, and at least 20 different varieties of what must have been explosive materials (some of it was actually described as "gunpowder tea") were on display, some in tiny bags small enough to smuggle on aircraft; other "bulk" packages were as large as 400 grams. For those who seek to formulate their own materials, there is an entire "island" in the center of the store covered with bags of various powders that can be mixed together to achieve various effects; to maintain cover these were also innocently labeled as though they were exotic spices, unknown on this continent. I saw "turmeric," "fenugreek," and "cardamom" among the nonsense names that are obviously being used to throw off the English speaker. They had strange fuels available as well, including "cooking" oil that they claimed was made from the seeds of grapes and some sort of what I assume was liquid explosive that was labeled "ghee." All sorts of "canned goods" and bizarre objects in jars were available, obviously intended to allow terrorists to infiltrate decent American homes and plant "booby traps"...but just as Japanese clothing designers seem to have trouble getting the English just right, there were subtle differences that can be observed by a real American. For example, the word "ZerGut", which would never be used on an American product, appears on many of the jars (I couldn't confirm this on the scene, for reasons of personal safety, but I assume ZerGut means "Die, haters of Islam!" in Arabic). Those large bags: they were stacked around the building, and as I approached some of them I saw even more patently ridiculous English labels, clearly intended to throw off Customs and Border Protection inspectors, such as "Brown Jasmine Rice" and "Red Cargo Rice." Based on how much inventory they had on hand, there's no doubt that the ruse was working. The most insidious part of the story I saved for last: the use of cookies and candies as a mechanism for distributing certain unknown pastes that were concealed inside the cookies and candies, and the fact that this type of weapon is especially targeted toward American children. You could see it from 50 feet away, as the "children" of the sleeper cells would gather around the cases of weapons, often choosing the most brightly colored packaging in what must have been a tactical decision to use that packaging to attract other children later when the cookies are handed out to innocent victims. Mind control pastes? Novel explosives? A means to bankrupt us by spreading diabetes? It's impossible to say, but whatever their plot is, it must be diabolical to use such weapons as these. In an effort to determine exactly what was going on, I obtained several of these packages of weapons. Disassembly and sampling have not enabled me to fully discern exactly what properties these unknown pastes might exhibit, but I do know that they contain high levels of sugar, which could be helpful if you're looking to make "formed explosives". Due to the variety of hues encountered when examining the pastes, I assume there is some sort of color code that I have not yet figured out. Obviously, I'll continue to sample the various packages obtained until the scientific data within is more fully revealed. Despite the fact that I was not dressed as the others in attendance were, I was moved through the money-changing process efficiently, in English (that's how good they are...), and I was able to return to my vehicle and leave the area without being tailed. An analysis for active and passive sensing and sending devices (on my vehicle and among the objects obtained) seems to offer no new data compared to a baseline analysis I conducted before visiting this site, so I'm fairly confident I escaped without the potential for future incident...which means the biggest issue remaining is probably assuring the safe disposal of the samples that were collected; as we've noted, that process is already underway. We now know that an active distribution network exists to put various booby-trap weapons and other devices in the hands of terrorists--and we know that this activity is occurring within just a few miles of a commercial aircraft assembly facility that also does work for the militaries of this nation and several others. The devices are astounding in their similarity to actual items that might be seen in American households...and the terrorists are so good at maintaining cover that, in my presence, they kept themselves in the characters they were taught by their handlers, even to the point of the "children" keeping up the appearance of sticking with their "parents." But the most important thing we learned is that we can not take any chances on allowing these terrorists to gain any more footholds in our Homeland. We don't know what their diabolical plan is, but we have to act now to stop any further command centers from coming on-line--and most importantly of all, we have to make sure that these terrorists don't get a chance to take their sleeper cells to a "Community Center" anywhere near Ground Zero, where they might try to play Terror Basketball or cook up "recipes" in a Terror Kitchen. If we have to throw out the Constitution to make that happen, well, what's more important, being free, or being safe from being free?

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Love this article & your tongue-in-cheek sly humor.
And we can only imagine how this 'talking point' will be used in the upcoming Fall Elections to try & scare the crap out of everyone...coming soon to your neighborhood ... Possible Terrorists who insist on Praying!

To read about my Life as a Gay Hollywood 'Extra' just Google: John Starr Blog

thanks so much...and when they come...feel free to direct them right here.

Terror shallots terrify me. They're small and you never see them coming.

it's even scarier when they're en bruniose, 'cause then it's like that scene in disney's "the sorcerer's apprentice" where mickey starts cutting up brooms.

Who knows if anyone is going to use that community center anyway. I know I'd be afraid some rightwing gunman would decide he had to save the sanctity of ground zero himself.

wanna hear something really funny?

three years ago, there was another fight, on the same street, over the plans of another developer to come in and threaten the neighborhood with a scary building--only in this story, it was a hotel that wanted to move in, and it was the local strip club that was trying to protect the character of the community.