Ever since Ryan Reynolds stripped off his shirt in the otherwise forgettable remake of The Amityville Horror, I have been patiently waiting for People Magazine to name him The Sexiest Man Alive.
And apparently I wasn't the only one. Or even the only man, gay or straight. A Facebook fan group was way ahead of me, it appears, and hilariously so.
"I'd Go Gay for Ryan Reynolds" has been in existence since at least 2006, and boasts over 300 members, mostly men, who strongly defend their heterosexuality. Except when it comes to Ryan, of course.
"I'm definitely not gay," goes a typical posting on the page, where one can browse various nearly-naked pics of Ryan, oiled and pumped, "but saying he's really good looking is a deep understatement." I'm glad this guy established his heterosexuality before swooning a little or I would, you know, wonder.
The page information sheds some light on the nature of the group, just so there are no misunderstandings. The page is a "No Homo Chapter," and it is right for you if "you're a completely straight male who is in no way gay except for the fact that you wouldn't think twice about going gay for Ryan Reynolds."
That sounds rather emphatic, but maybe it's me. I'm not sure sexually repressed, questioning males typically have that much pre-determination. Who else might the page appeal to?
"You respect Ryan," it goes on, "for being an intelligent human being and know that there is more to him than just his beauty." Okay, why must members of this page give Ryan more respect than they do their own girlfriends? They keep raising the bar like this and they'll never break 500 members.
But oh, what awesome members they are. "His picture is in my wallet," posts Chris. Joshua says "this is the reason I joined Facebook." "Can't say I'm gay," says James, beginning with a common qualifier, "but that is one sassy lookin' mofo!" There's a poem written to Ryan, so charmingly crude you believe for a moment a straight guy wrote it.
The page is administered by Vlad, a man of around 30 if you trust his picture, who offers the occasional scolding about posts being too gay ("No postings in hopes of a man/man relationship! Except with Ryan.") or to report Ryan's accomplishments ("Check it, bitches!" he triumphantly announces Ryan's People Magazine honor, doubtlessly convinced this will provide the boost in membership he's been waiting for.)
Vlad's own profile page doesn't betray his act, if it is one. Other than his vaguely suspicious love for Curb Your Enthusiasm (really? Larry David's humor seems a bit conceptual for the room.), there's no smoking gay gun. His likes include video games and sugar snap peas. Maybe he's eight.
Vlad has other ambitions, in case you thought he spends all his time away from the chicks managing a fan site for a guy he will never ever meet but dreams of boinking. Another group he administers is "MY SISTER SAID IF I GET ONE MILLION FANS SHE WILL NAME HER BABY MEGATRON."
If the man has straight dudes writing love poems to Ryan Reynolds for all to see, sis better start thinking of middle names. Maybe the baby can go by Meg for short.