Don Davis

Campaign Manifesto #3: On The Road, Defending Social Security

Filed By Don Davis | February 28, 2011 4:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: Barack Obama, comedy, Congress, Democrats, economic policy, election campaigns, fake campaigns, humorous blog post, politics, Republicans, Satire, Snark, Social Security, White House

So it's Day 3 of my fake campaign for Congress, and we've run into our first obstacle.walldrug.jpg The Fake Campaign, as you may recall, is fake headed for Wisconsin, to show solidarity, and we've fake hitched a ride on a delivery truck headed for Rush Limbaugh's Florida broadcasting studios--but we fake found ourselves caught up in the all-too-real "Giant Grip Of Winter" that has seized the Midwest over the past week. We're back on the road now, but we were stuck for darn near half a day there in Wall - if you know anything about South Dakota, you know there are really only two things to do in the city of Wall: shuffle back and forth between Gold Diggers and the Badlands Bar, partaking of numerous intoxicating liquors along the way or head on into Wall Drug (the same one that's on all those bumper stickers and signs) and partake of the finest display of Giant Jackalopia on the planet. Naturally, the campaign chose Jackalopia, and that's why today's Manifesto is all about the fake impromptu five-cent-coffee-fueled Social Security Town Hall that we held in the Wall Drug Mall for several hours while we waited for I-90 to reopen.
Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes, grass grows by Itself. --From the "Zenrin Kushu", attributed to Toyo Eicho
I-90, the main route from West to East (if your fake trip begins in Seattle, as ours did), was closed at Wall, South Dakota for about 24 hours this week, but this particular delivery truck just absolutely has to be in Florida by Monday, and the delivery is so important that to get us back on the road we now have a special escort of two South Dakota Department of Transportation snowplows and two 2011 "new and improved" South Dakota Highway Patrol Dodge Charger Pursuits (now with longer lasting brakes!) to make sure we get to the Wisconsin line in the shortest time possible. With the weather being what it is, Jenna and Tendei, our driving team, have been earning their money in a big way. While Tendei is asleep, Jenna and I mull over the conversations we had tonight - me and the caravan of Wall Drug customers who gathered, first by the snake-oil salesman (that's not hyperbole, either: they actually have an anamatronic snake-oil salesman), then out in front of the Western bookstore, and finally over by one of the five cent coffee stations. It was my fault: standing next to the snake-oil salesman got me thinking about all the lies we hear every day about Social Security...which I mentioned to the 30-something couple standing next to me, young son in tow. "If I didn't know better, I'd guess the next words out of his mouth are going to be: 'I'll never see a dollar of my Social Security anyway, so who cares how they fix it?'." He looked back at me, all surprised: "We're not ever going to see any; they tell us that all the time." "Yeah, I know, but it's a big ol' load of hooey, and I'll tell you why: Social Security is funded by payroll taxes that are, for the most part, paid out as they're collected, that means there'll always be money that we will use to pay benefits, unless we just quit collecting that money altogether, which is not likely." We were beginning to gather a few others around us (hey, we were all stuck there--nothing else to do!), meaning my gestures were getting a bit bigger - but there's a nice echo in there, and you can be heard. "The way things work now, if nothing changes, there will be enough money to pay out all the benefits we expect to pay until 2037. After that, if the 'pessimistic projection' plays out, even if nothing else changes, we can still pay 75% of what we expect to pay for about 50 years after that. We only look out 75 years at a time, so we don't have a projection that goes out past 2084...but, pretty much, as long as we keep collecting the money, we'll still be able to pay the benefits." I looked over at a 40-ish couple that had come over to listen: "What about you two? Right now there's a lot of talk about 'fixing' Social Security by making you wait longer to retire or by making sure cost of living increases don't really keep up with inflation. Don't y'all feel like if they do that, you're just getting screwed?" It was almost like Parliament and "Question Time" in there for a second (which is not a George Clinton reference) as the 15 or so folks listening began to 'harrumph' in agreement. "Well how about if I were to tell you that I could fix this problem, and that I could do it without raising the retirement age or messing with your cost-of-living...and that I could do this in a way that gives every person in this room a tax cut at the same time...and that, even though I'm running for Congress, I'm not a snake-oil salesman?" About two lives ago I used to be a failed stand-up comic (true!), and it is possible to know when the crowd is turning - and this was one of those moments. The 40-ish husband looked at me and said, basically, that I did sound like a Congressman, and not in a good way. "I know you don't believe me, but listen to this: if you turn a wrench or carry a tray or do anything that makes under, basically, $105,000 a year in wages, all your income is taxed for Social Security, but if you make a million a year, you don't pay any tax at all on the last $890,000, and if that income was taxed, we wouldn't have a Social Security problem. Now you don't hear much about this back in Washington, and there's a couple of reasons why: right off the bat, this President and this Congress don't want to be accused of 'raising anyone's taxes'; beyond that, 2012 is coming fast, and both the President and the Grim Weeper are trying to be the one who can look at the voters and say: 'I'm The Slasher, and I will cut the deficit and balance the budget faster than the other guy'. Lots of people think cutting Social Security will somehow cut the deficit and reduce the debt, even though it has nothing to do with it at all, and some of them figure that if they campaign around cutting everything that government does it's gonna help their political future, and that includes cutting benefits for people just like you, instead of just funding Social Security with a flat tax for everyone, even the rich." This argument, I might add, was starting to gain traction. "Look at where we are right this very second: standing in front of a Western bookstore, and if you go in there you'll see stories of how people died of starvation and how land barons ruled counties with an iron fist and how we fought range wars with imported hired guns and shootouts in the streets. Is that what we want to go back to? It's not what they wanted. The pioneers didn't just build isolated ranches, they built towns, and towns with a schoolhouse, so that the kids on those ranches didn't have to rely on a home school education. They had a Sheriff or a Marshal and a Town Council and a Judge, because they knew that they had to create some rules and establish some government. Some towns in the Wild West, and you know I'm telling the truth about this, didn't even allow guns inside the town limits, just like when Wyatt Earp was the Marshal in Dodge City and you had to check your guns if you were going north of the railroad tracks." You know what? This was working: the crowd began to nod with me, and I figured while I had the advantage I'd press the thing home: "Now a lot of people probably think the fix is in, and what's the point...but I don't agree. There was an effort at the beginning of this Congress to force these cuts by threatening to stop providing any money for the Government at the beginning of March if the 'Wrecking Crew" didn't get their way, and the Tea Party folks came in here with a big ol' war cry about 'shut it all down' and all that, but now that March 4th is actually drawing close, and the public is starting to figure out what's up, the message is suddenly all about 'maybe we can extend the funding after all'. That tells me that the people who think cutting everything in sight because it looks good are finding out it doesn't always look good to just go around cutting everything in sight. Tell ya something else. A lot of the people who want to change Social Security want to change it into a system that rewards people who manage Social Security accounts, not the people who own the accounts, and if you look at what 'privatizing' the system is all about, that's what it is: it's just a plan to get more money out of you in the form of fees and charges, which is going to be a great big reward to great big political donors who have been trying to make this happen since the 1980s. So here's the reality: there is enough money in the system to pay for you and your kids to have benefits, even if no changes are made, and if you just make Social Security a flat tax, even for the rich, we are pretty much guaranteed to have every dollar we need until at least 2084, and we don't have to cut benefits or raise the retirement age, or do any of that crazy stuff, and we don't have to give up our hard-earned money to big banks and Wall Street in the form of new fees and charges on your Social Security accounts. So I came here in a truck, and it has to be in Florida in a couple days, and my driver friend is walking over here, and that means I gotta go, but I hope I told you something about Social Security you didn't know a while ago, and if any of you are fake voting for a fake Congressional candidate in 2012, I hope you'll keep me in mind." And with that, I fake shook a few hands, jumped in our fake truck, and headed off to Wisconsin.

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Go Social Security! If anything, we should be expanding benefits now (and the people who can receive them) instead of contracting.

i was running around and running around and missed all y'all's comments until today.

my bad.

expanding benefits is not going to be easy, financially, unless you can get everyone behind a payroll tax increase; that is going to be a very, very tough sell right now.

Since it's a fake campaign, do you have to wait till election day to claim victory?

i figure i can use the same tactics as a real campaign: why not just declare, at random times, that i have the other guy "on the run"?

laurieyoung | March 1, 2011 9:35 AM

I love you, man.

On February 3rd the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force launched a campaign to stop congress from cutting social security benefits. 2500 LGBT activists in Minneapolis signed postcards declaring "Hands off Social Security" which we will deliver to senate offices on Capitol Hill. The same night lgbt activists around the country signed a petition telling congress not to cut benefits. It is important to know that as we age LGBT people are more reliant on guaranteed social security benefits as past the age of 65 we have less resources. It's not too late! We will continue to collect signatures. Follow this link: to sign on. Join us now in protecting Social Security.

they don't have a little heart symbol for these comments, but you'll presumably be able to imagine one.

this is a huge deal, this social security thing is, and if there was anything i'd say to readers under 40 it's that you will actually get social security one day, even though there's been a multi-decade effort going on to make you think you won't.

there is a fairly simple fix, we don't have to get all crazy with retirement ages and all that...and go sign that petition.

i did.

wall drug is nuts, that's for sure, and if you live in the west you can see tons of cars with wall drug bumper stickers on 'em.

about the only other big thing that happens around there is the sturgis motorcycle festival; if you're not familiar with that, check this out.