Drew Cordes

Like a Virgin, Post-SRS?

Filed By Drew Cordes | March 14, 2011 12:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Living, Marriage Equality, Transgender & Intersex
Tags: sex, surgery, transgender

My sex reassignment surgery is two months away, and as you might expect, I have a lot of madonna_-_like_a_virgin-front.jpgthings on my mind. Most of them I'm trying not to think about: complications, pain, infection, how much sensation I'll have, my insurance pulling a 180 and deciding not to reimburse me....

There is one aspect of this that positively tickles my brain, however. Essentially, I'm going to be a virgin again. I get another shot at my first time.

How many of us wouldn't want this opportunity? According to a scientific poll, 87 percent of people say their first time was "an awkward clusterfuck." OK, I just made that up, but if you had great sex when you lost your virginity I'm pretty confident you're in the minority.

So, the question is: What do I do?

Being queer as a three dollar bill and having already formed the beast with two backs plenty of times in the past, I don't think any religious folks will advocate I "save myself" for marriage. That option seems woefully naïve to me anyway. After all, I might end up never getting married; and I certainly didn't trudge through all the shit of changing genders to abstain from enjoying the fruit of my labors. Those purity rings sure are pretty, though.

At the other extreme, the idea of not valuing the second chance seems callous and ungrateful. This will be a major event in my life, one that changes my future. Marking it with a drunken one-night stand with someone whose name I barely remember the next day... that rubs me the wrong way. Drunken one-night stands do have their time and place, but this isn't one of them.

If I was even more callous (or an enterprising businesswoman) I could do what this woman did and auction my revirginity off to the highest bidder. I probably wouldn't get as much as she did, but the supply and demand statistics for transwomen are very much in my favor. Lots of guys love us, but there aren't many of us to go around. Throw "young" and "passable" into the equation, and it's enough to make me think for a minute. I won't be going this route, but think about if you had the option. A few hours work and no more student loans, mortgage, or car payments. Follow it up with a vacation, a shopping spree and some smart investments. Trading a little discomfort for that kind of return will get anybody thinking.

For all the thought I've given this, I haven't come to a concrete decision. Like most other things in my life, I'm in a gray area. Ideally, I'd like my first time post-surgery to be with someone I love, but who knows how long it could take to fall in love? Do I want to roll the dice on possibly waiting for years and years? I'm leaning toward "no" on that. I'd at least like it to be someone I have a connection with, someone I care about. Of course, I'd like those things in a sex partner right now, pre-surgery; so maybe things aren't changing as much as I think. All I know for certain is I'd like my first time to be more enjoyable and fulfilling the second time around.

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Honestly? had I thought of it first I may have tried it. I got lucky as it is to find someone willing to finance the surgery for me - up to that point I was going down a dozen different rabbit-holes looking for the cash.

Congrats on your GRS! Mine's in 17 days, and time has slowed to a crawl.

After having gone through that quite a while ago, I can say that, for myself, I didn't feel 'like a virgin' after SRS. Having a guy's penis in my pussy felt like a different kind of sex, but it didn't feel that different from anything I was used to. We were two adults intertwined... connected, I was very used to that. There's a lot more to being a virgin than having a hymen or being penetrated vaginally for the first time.

But best wishes to both Drew and Austen on your SRS. I was surprised what an emotionally fulfilling and even profound experience it was and continue to feel grateful for being able to go through it.

My first time was with a woman, so it did not include penetration anyways. Sex does not require penetration to count. You are not really a virgin, you just have a set of sex acts now available to you that you have not done before. Not having had vaginal penetration does not make a woman a virgin any more than not having engaged in, say, play with nipple clamps does.

My first time with a guy that involved vaginal penetration actually was quite nice. Then again, I never had a hymen that I can remember (neither, I suspect, do you), which is a big source of discomfort for some. If you are in the mood, comfortable, and well lubricated, first time vaginal sex should not be painful (barring some discomfort with hymens). This idea that first time penetrative vaginal sex should suck for the person with the vagina grates at me. While actual first time sex can be awkward due to inexperience, it should still be pleasurable.

No... I most certainly did not have a hymen... I didn't pay extra for that option. :) By hymen and penetrative sex I was referring to the most traditional notion of what virginity is... yes, an 'innocent' being 'defiled.' And yes, I wish the very use of the term 'virginity' would fall into disuse since it's very clearly from an era where women were viewed as chattel. And for young people, I think the concepts of consensual, informed and safe sex are way more valuable than any notion of soiled purity.

Sincere question: Is that an option? When getting GRS can you pay extra for a hymen? Or is this a joke?

If someone really wanted one, there are actually cosmetic procedures to do that. However, it's not typically offered, and would have to be requested as an extra (plus, more cost, more donor tissue used, etc). Which I've never heard of someone doing with GRS, but it's possible.

So not as much as a joke as you would think.

Maybe so, but, I don't see that being practical, anyways. I mean, first time you go to dilate, wouldn't it all be for nothing, anyways?

Virginity, or at least how people think about it, seems to be made up of two closely related things: something new and ignorance.

The reality is that the latter is hardly a requirement and the former is something that can be broken down into many pieces. I've known folks who've had sex for quite a while who mark off their anal virginity, virginity with a specific gender, strapon virginity, being penetrated with a partner's bits virginity, BDSM virginity (and within that a dozen separate virginities for different types of kinky activities), and so on.

Personally, I prefer the less charged way of referring to those things as a "first" rather than a "losing a virginity," but the idea remains about the same. And it's certainly true that some firsts will be more significant to any individual than others. But there does seem to be a great opportunity to co-opt and twist conservative abstinence-focused language around your re-virginity. Hope you have fun with that -- and of course all elements related to it!

Drew and Austen, best wishes for your surgeries! :)

I'm thinking this is something that can only go wrong if you stress it. I'm sure your first time after surgery will be fulfilling in some way, either for emotional or belated humor value.

I don't know -- first times seem to just be awkward by nature anyway. If you play safe and have fun, well, that's a good outcome.

It's slightly off-topic, but the whole "abstinance until marriage" thing is very overrated. The only way that really works is if you assume that sex is a one-size-fits-all thing (or else don't value sexual fulfillment at all), in which case, there's no risk in gambling on the first person you have sex to be the person you'll have sex with for the rest of your life.

But if you're not investing that level of significance in it, and if you're cool with seeking someone compatible rather than someone perfect, more power to you.

Congratulations and best wishes.

Mine was only a couple of months ago, in January. If there's one thing I can stress, it's DON'T RUSH IT!

I have a steady partner, also a transwoman, who I hope to make my wife very soon. However, I have a bit of a hyper sex drive, and my mistake was trying to engage in certain acts too soon (in this case, I was trying to top via strap on, and it was pressuring my clit), even though my doctor said that, in theory, I should have been okay with doing that. But I don't heal all that well, and I nearly ruptured a stitch. The doctors have since said it is very lucky that I didn't require any corrective procedure to put it back together, I managed to heal up eventually.

That said, I think you should try to form some connection with your partner before you go down that road, if for no other reason than to avoid that "one night stranger" from going too rough on you.

sending positive energy to you Drew!