Anthony Carter

How Afterbirthers Will End my Unemployment

Filed By Anthony Carter | May 15, 2011 1:00 PM | comments

Filed in: Politics
Tags: Alan Keyes, President Obama, unemployment

Although I have been unemployed for two years, I finally figured out what I was doing wrong. 495px-Alan_Keyes_speech.jpgWhenever I have been called in to interview, I have consistently and absentmindedly neglected to bring along my fetal membranes and god only knows where I left my mucous cap and crowning photos.

Apparently, this is the new requirement for being taken seriously in this country. If you still doubt me have a look at this quote from The Onion (the only responsible news source out there):

All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels--preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery--and this will all be over, said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma.

Afterbirthers have decided that the only way to fully discredit President Obama is to prove that he doesn't belong.

What's next?

A seance, reading of the bones, a visit from relatives who are unable to "cross over" until it is proven that our President is human and born in the US?

I don't mind stupidity. In fact, why not spread it around. Let's go to all the politicians and policy-makers and the ones who cut school funding, HIV, and cancer research and ask them to verify their humanity.

Why don't we trot down to Wall Street and ask the ones who take all the money and then say we don't know where it is then skip off with fat bonuses if they have seen a mucous cap recently and if they haven't discredit them and hand them a pink slip.

As a nation that prides itself on being about individual happiness and equal access to material and social goods, we should be outraged and demand that this nonsense be stopped immediately.

Where is the marching in the streets? Where is the boycotting and demanding of public and private amends?

Mr. Keyes, a spokesman for this wonderful thought-provoking and life-enhancing position, has offered us some kindness. Personally, I think Mr. Keyes is just sore over not getting to be President.

This is how you plan to sweep the election in 2012? Please tell me this is not your victory strategy? Please tell me this is not your Plan B?

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Eric Payne | May 15, 2011 2:25 PM


You are aware the Onion is a satirical news site, right?

Eric Payne | May 16, 2011 1:35 PM


I'd like to take a moment here to address a topic you recently raised, twice, and tie it into Mr. Carter's posting.

When I was freelancing 15 years ago, there was a pre-publication structure in place: I had an idea for the subject of a column; I'd run that idea past my editor/agent, who would, even at that early germination point, give feedback on the viability of that idea. I'd go sit at my IBM Selectric (damn, I loved that machine!) and punch it out. I'd then give the hard copy to my editor/agent, who'd blue pencil the crap out of it, return it to me, and I'd incorporate (or lose... my choice, though, generally, I found I'd incorporate) her ideas into the column and make those structural changes she suggested. She'd then shop the piece out and - acting as my agent - get me the best possible price for my work.

You recently asked about the "Projector" thoughts of Bilerico; here's mine: The publication of Mr. Carter's column, when a cursory reading of that column shows the writer is either not talented enough to write satire (or, in this case, carry over a satirical idea from one site to another), or fails to recognize the reality of the site he claims to be "the best" source of news.

Either way, Mr. Carter's latest column should not have been published, as is, to the Bilerico site.

That very same lack of editorial control is the biggest reason I chose to no longer read this site a year ago. I don't know if you recall, but there was one contributor with whom I frequently differed. That contributor published regularly, sometimes more than once a day. There was, also, a continuing series of "educational" columns. Frequently, this contributor's columns would contradict each other. More than once, I pointed out where, in the published column, that contributor had been overtly and purposely deceitful. I began getting hateful emails from that contributor. When that contributor was, essentially, promoted to an editorship position, I chose to leave Bilerico behind.

I frequently compare Bilerico to print journalism; in response, I'll get the standard cop-out that "this is an unpaid gig," or "there's just not that structure put into place."

My suggestion, then, would be to get a site editor, and put that structure in place. Have someone who has to, ultimately, accept for publication every column that is published. Have someone who can reject submissions; don't just publish someone simply because you've published something from them before.

I have no beef with Mr. Carter, personally. Hell, I don't even have a personal beef with that contributor last year; that contributor chose to escalate things to a personal scale via e-mails; I chose not to take the bait and continue commenting here.

I'm sure you want this site to be informative and entertaining, yet retain that edge which has made it popular... an editor can help you do that; a good editor will define that voice -- that edge -- and publish those columns which support that edge, while "returning for re-write" those columns which, simply, fail.

Either you're using a satirical article as a basis for creating your own satire or you are unaware that the Onion is satire. Either way, your piece doesn't work, and quite possibly offers a more credible reason for your inability to find work. The writers at The Onion are more capable of this sort of thing; you'd be better off leaving satire to them.

As a non-human and muatant I am outraged that anyone would think President Obama is anything other than human. I mean, he may seem to be somewhat alien but he's never been to the monthly support groups or the spring mixer.

I had my placenta and umbilical cord in the freezer -- but someone got hungry late one night and mistook it for a Stouffer's frozen ziti dinner.

Damn! ... And it's too late to get my money back if I return the Do-It-Yourself Stem Cell Incubator that I found on sale at the Super-K-Mart.

My research sponsor at Johns Hopkins will be sooooo pissed!

Michael78742 | May 16, 2011 9:53 AM

Okay, my second try here. This is BS. We should be concerned about our world condition, not this man's birth certificate, his placenta, or afterbirth (what a laugh) This craziness and nonsense.

What we need to focus on that is more important is: The devaluation of the dollar; what is put into our foods and air; our freedoms, government and media deception and non-disclosure of issues such as Bin Laden and Trade Center Bombings, UFO's, Aliens, 9-1-1, war, chemtrails, corporate spending, etc.

Is it not enough that our President loves America and its peoples? Is it not enough that he is trying to pass laws that us all and create jobs, etc?

Stop being idiots, and wake up.

Stop this crap and let the President DO HIS JOB.

Rick Sutton | May 16, 2011 11:39 AM

I doubt he reads anythinkg here, but in the off chance that goof Keyes does:

Get. Off. My: TV/radio,internet, etc.

He always was a joke. Still is. How he was ever appointed to our Diplomatic Corps speaks only to the sheer idiocy of some Republican administrations.

He lost to Barack Obama in the 2004 Ill. Senate election. How does it feel to lose to a first-term state senator with no statewide ID, and 70-27, at that?

Someone needs to carve a huge "L" in his forehead, lest anyone mistake him for an intelligent being. Woe to those who do.