Joseph Gentile

Baby Beluga Edition [What You Need to Know]

Filed By Joseph Gentile | August 12, 2012 10:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Living, Marriage Equality
Tags: Arizona, Australia, bisexuals, Canada, Chick-fil-A boycott, Congress, cyber-attack, D.L. Hughley, election 2012, Freemasons, GOP, homophobic behavior, in-laws, Kavna, Kyrsten Sinema, lesbians, liberals, marriage equality, marriage proposals, Matthew Mitcham, military, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, Olympics 2012, Paul Ryan, Provo, Raffi, Republicans, satire, skinny-dipping, Southern Poverty Law Center, SPLC, Twitter, Utah, Vancouver, vice president, WYNTK

Beluga.jpgHold the bananaphone! Global troubadour Raffi Cavoukian, or simply Raffi to us Millennials, isn't about to let the Twitterverse besmirch the reputation of his beloved"Baby Beluga."

Saddened by the passing of Kavna, the Vancouver Aquarium's beluga whale, the Canadian children's singer tweeted his condolences last Tuesday. Little did Raffi realize that the media might misinterpret his remarks as tribute to the inspiration behind one of his cheeriest songs.

It's not that Raffi didn't care about Kavna. No. He's upset because they've got the wrong whale! That's because the REAL "Baby Beluga" happens to be an IMAGINARY whale Raffi dreamed up (and reporters couldn't plainly see!) Or, at least until Raffi harpooned them.

Call me Ishmael. It's what you need to know!

  • Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney selected Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), chairman of the House Budget Committee, Saturday to team up and form the most perfectly-coiffed ticket in the history of U.S. presidential politics.
  • Motorists passing through Provo, Utah made an abrupt detour into homophobia last Thursday night after a cyberattack upon a computerized highway sign.
  • From homeless to the Hill, liberal state Sen. Kristen Sinema (D-Ariz.) aspires to leave a progressive imprint upon the House of Representatives if she's elected as its first openly bisexual member.
  • State officials made enough hay about keeping a lesbian couple from exchanging vows inside of a Masonic Hall at the Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum for the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) to object.
  • Fair and equal treatment before the law aside, it's arguable that gay and lesbian newlyweds are right to be as miserable as other married couples. Now the future in-laws of Australia's same-sex couples are putting in their two cents.
  • Love isn't a battlefield for one Canadian lesbian couple anymore after two tours of duty, and another six months as a civilian contractor abroad, when one-half of the unidentified, military couple dropped to the floor of the airport terminal, and proposed.
  • Pointing out that, "Burger King didn't send his royal troops to support us in Iraq," and "Long John Silver has left his pirating days behind him," comedian D.L. Hughley questions whether it was "truly love at first bite" before publicly dumping Chick-fil-A for its anti-gay fast food fight stance.
  • Diver Matthew Mitcham, 24, of Team Oz didn't repeat his gold medal-winning performance of four years ago after the openly gay Olympian finished 13th out of 18 semifinalist competitors in the men's individual 10-meter platform event. Even worse, the Aussie won't be skinny-dipping for us anymore!

(Baby Beluga graphic via Photobucket)

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