John M. Becker

Masturbating Fetuses for Rubio?

Filed By John M. Becker | June 18, 2013 10:30 AM | comments

Filed in: Fundie Watch, Politics
Tags: fetuses, Marco Rubio, masturbation, Michael Burgess, Texas, weird news

Today's Republican Party is in serious trouble. By its own admission, drastic changes -- particularly in the way the party reaches out to minority groups -- are needed if the GOP hopes to remain competitive in 2014 and beyond.

happy_baby.jpgUnfortunately for them, the whole outreach thing isn't going very well -- the Republican war on women continues unabated, the future of immigration reform is uncertain, Republicans are attacking minority voting rights across the country, and the party seems intent on sabotaging its prospects with young voters by maintaining its hate-fueled opposition to LGBT rights.

Despite the lack of progress among women, African Americans, Latinos, and LGBTs, the GOP does appear to be making inroads with one long-overlooked demographic group: frisky fetuses.

michael_burgess.jpgLeading the charge is U.S. Rep. Michael Burgess. During a House Rules Committee debate yesterday on the "Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act," which would ban all abortions nationwide after 20 weeks of pregnancy, Burgess argued for an even earlier ban.

Citing his experience as an OB-GYN, Burgess said "there is no question" that babies feel pain earlier than 20 weeks. How does he know this, you ask? Why, because they masturbate, of course!

Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to think that they could feel pain?

Rep. Burgess made no reference to a female fetus's ability to feel pleasure. Try to contain your shock.

Whether Burgess's remarks were an isolated occurrence or the beginning of a broader outreach campaign to the monkey-spanking fetal male population remains to be seen. But if polls start to show prenatal males breaking for the GOP, it's highly likely that the party will continue pandering to this group in an effort to make up some of the ground they're losing among other minorities.

Fetuses are clearly an important part of the Republican Party's path to future, ahem, viability. I can see the campaign signs now: Masturbating Fetuses for Rubio, 2016!

Watch Rep. Burgess's remarks below, via John Aravosis at AMERICAblog.

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