The Housing & Student Living Office of Brigham Young University-Idaho, a college owned and operated by the Mormon Church, recently released "Wounded on the Battlefield," a dark new video warning its students of a grave peril.
"The temptations of the great war are many," school president Kim B. Clark intones while ominous-sounding music plays in the background. "The battles are real, and the strategies are clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless, and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger -- we must be vigilant and valiant."
And what is this terrifying enemy that's just waiting to devour undergraduates' wayward souls? Why, masturbation of course!
Viewers then see gray footage of "a lonely, confused young man" who enters his room and opens up his laptop to view some porn. A silhouette is spotted in the doorway, but the anonymous person turns and walks away. "His roommates know, but they do nothing to help him," Clark laments. (Presumably, his roommates know he likes porn because he leaves the damn door open while taking care of business...) Then everything collapses into the Giant Death Vortex of Pornography: the guy stops attending church (dun-dun-DUN!) and develops "darkness in his eyes," because he's been "spiritually wounded on the battlefield of the great war."
I am not making this up.
Cut to black. Suddenly the pop-pop-pop of gunfire can be heard in the background. A young soldier is on his back in the woods, grimacing in pain because he's fallen victim to the masturbatory wiles of the enemy. Society tells us not to intervene, Clark says, but he implores, "Brothers and sisters, don't leave the wounded on the battlefield."
Another soldier dodges bullets, flames, and sprays of something red (blood?) to rush back and save his masturbator comrade. Clark continues: "If you need to, talk to your bishop. Tell someone who can do something that you have a friend in trouble."
Ah, there it is, the moral of the story: students should police each other's masturbation habits and report those who refuse to stop choking the chicken to religious authorities. Because the fight against masturbation is a battlefield, and you can't leave even one man behind.
Watch, after the jump.