Editor's Note: Guest blogger Bill Konigsberg is the Lambda Literary Award-winning author of Out of the Pocket and Openly Straight. For more information, check out his website at billkonigsberg.com.
As many of you know, Chuck and I got married a few months ago.
We had already been civil unionized, or whatever the correct term is, seven years earlier. So we went small. No huge party or anything. In fact, we had another author (Famous Author Rob Byrnes) do the ceremony with us in Central Park. And we didn't wear ties, which almost made my mother's head explode. Another story for another time.
But since we are gay and all, we did have a party. And as gay people, you can probably imagine just how CRAZZZYY that party got!
Tea Party Nation president Judson Phillips knows. He gets it about us gays. We all want penis cakes, and our weddings tend to be naked. And what most of us do is we look for the most devoutly religious people out there to bake said penis cakes, and cut (here would be a good place to use the term "bris" as a verb) our penis cakes.
A photo of our penis cake is after the jump.
It was all so wild! After the wedding, Chuck and I shared a wild and crazy, erotic, super sexy, hedonistic (one might even say heathenistic!) night at the hottest gay spot in town: The Palm Steakhouse. We each had a glass of wine, and we stayed up until 9:30! (A photo of the debauched evening is below.)
So I get it. Wonderful people like Mr. Phillips (who is so far to the right that he called Arizona Governor Jan Brewer a 'French Republican') understand our "lifestyle" and how we just can't help ourselves and how we simply need to foist our wickedness on the world. It's all orgies and leather and penis cakes and indoctrinating those who are most resistant to our evil and at the same time so fragile that their heads might literally (yes, here I use the term incorrectly for effect) explode if we victimized them -- God-loving angels like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.
Thank God we have people who are conscientious about keeping those who are truly innocent pure. Case in point, Jack Burkman, the lobbyist who wrote a bill (because that's how it was drawn up in the Constitution) to ban openly gay people from the NFL!
Thank God for Jack, who aims to keep the NFL pure. This God-fearing man knows that Jesus loves the rapists and the dog fighters, but hates those who are honest about who they love and refuse to lie about it anymore. Because God said it in the Bible!
It's not the act of a man lying with another man that is the sin -- it's talking about it that's the real problem. Burkman's American Decency Act of 2014 therefore only would apply to "self-declared homosexual football players."
Because as anyone who attends a regular gym knows, it's always the openly gay guys who surreptitiously diddle themselves in the showers and ogle other guys, not the closet cases who cannot see naked male bodies anywhere else since they are married with six children.
Burkman, who has an openly gay brother, said he created the bill because "We are losing our decency as a nation." I agree. We need more family values, such as when a person who is not an elected member of our democratic government writes bills to ban people like their brother from the NFL.
Yes. More of that, please. More Phillips, who is so, so right when he writes, "The left and the homosexual lobby are both pushing slavery using the Orwellian concepts of 'tolerance' and 'inclusiveness.'"
I have been to that Homosexual Lobby. It is disgusting. It's where we keep the Homosexual Agenda. Which reminds me: I have to get to tea dance! Maybe that's where the Tea Party got its name?
Thank you, Tea Party Nation and Jack Burkman. It was only a matter of time before we all began to see the world as it really is:
- The NFL is a liberal bastion of homosexual loving lefties.
- Gays are all about sex, always. And it is the act of being comfortable with oneself that makes one more likely to be sexually inappropriate -- not a lifetime of repression of said feelings.
Thank God these not-at-all-gay-sex-obsessed men have opened our eyes to The Truth.
May God have mercy on our souls.