The famous Ohio State University marching band is in hot water this week after a two-month investigation revealed a "sexualized culture" of homophobia and rampant sexual harassment.
The scandal has already claimed the scalp of the band's popular director, Jon Waters, who was fired last week. The university has announced the formation of a task force to institute changes in the marching band, and will also launch a second investigation of the ensemble headed by a former Ohio attorney general.
The report from the initial investigation, released Thursday, is damning enough. Via Deadspin:
A report stemming from the university's two-month investigation has quite a few details on the internal goings-on of the Best Damn Band in the Land, including the raunchy nicknames bestowed by upperclassmen (like "Pat Fenis"), explicit fight songs for rival schools, and "tricks" performed by members.
Let's start with the tricks, which the report defines as "acts individual Band members perform, either on command or at their own volition." One girl pretended to have an orgasm on her younger brother's lap. Her nickname, according to the report, was "Squirt."
Each new member of the band got a nickname. The report provides a list of some of them, including "Jewoobs." How does one pronounce "Jewoobs"?
There was also a booklet of vulgar fight songs for many other schools... They're quite explicit.
Indeed they are -- and many of them contain lyrics that are disturbingly anti-gay. Here's a snippet from "Proud to be a Homosexual," sung to the tune of "God Bless the USA":
And I'm proud to be a homosexual,
Where at least I can run free.
And I won't forget the fags with AIDS,
Who gave that right to me.
And I'll gladly bend over,
and spread my cheeks,
So you may sodomize me.
For there ain't no doubt I love male glands.
God bless the OSUMB.
And here's their appallingly homophobic lyrics to Michigan State University's fight song:
Green and white, a shitty sight
It's time to play the Spartans.
They shave their legs those dirty fags
They love to molest little children.
Fags are prancing in East Lansing.
Oh, what a bunch of queers.
So fuck you, MSU!
Here's a cock right up your rear.
Maize and blue is shitty too.
All wolverines are queers bait.
They love to fuck their moms and dads
They corn-hole all their defense coaches
All the barbers in Ann Arbor
Give more than just a trim.
So fuck you, maize and blue!
The Bucks'll show you queers don't win.
Other songs contained predictable toilet humor about topics like masturbation, sex work, hymens, menstruation, and pubic lice. I'm sure the band's female and gay members just loved hearing their bodies and sexuality turned into sixth grade-level punchlines.
I'd tell the OSU marching band to keep it classy, but that ship has kinda sailed, hasn't it? Ugh.
The full report on the shenanigans in the OSU Marching Band is after the jump.