Guest Blogger

It's Time to Give 100%

Filed By Guest Blogger | January 23, 2015 9:00 AM | comments

Filed in: Living
Tags: advice, commitment, dating, fear of commitment, holding back, single dating tips

Editor's Note: Guest blogger Justin Luke Zirilli is co-owner and president of New York City's largest gay 20Something events production and promotions company, BoiParty. He is also a six-time published author, specializing in fiction and non-fiction for young gay men. His brand-new self-help book for gay 20Somethings, The Gay Gospel, is now on sale in eBook and paperback.


bigstock-Love-11276432.jpgDo you want a boyfriend? Are you interested in landing a mate? Are you at a place in your life where you are set and ready to consider a husband to raise adorable adopted or artificially inseminated babies or a couple of cute kittens you both name like they're children?

Are you?

Odds are you aren't, really. Or at least you're not acting this way.

I have lost count of the number of guys I talk to who bemoan their singleness and how they are not able to sort through all of the garbage of humanity to find the one discarded golden nugget that they expect to exist underneath all of the detritus.

Here's the thing, though: These are the same people who also tell me that they are "holding back" from the guy that they are pursuing, or flirting with, or kinda-seeing, or sorta-dating, or are even boyfriends with already!

Yes. Holding back. I hope you can see how insane this idea is. If not, let me try and help.

When you want something -- really, really want it -- do you only go for it forty percent? Or thirty? Or even seventy? I sure hope not, because I don't expect that you'll find much success following that sort of a strategy.

"I really want to win this race... so I'm just going to jog comfortably."

"I really want to get a perfect score on this test... so I'm just going to read half of the book and skim my notes sort of while playing World of Warcraft."

No one actually says these things, but I'm sure a lot of us are doing just that. And that's insane, especially in a world where you are on the front lines trying to find the handsome dashing gentleman with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life with. It. Is. INSANE!

Here's a real conversation I was a part of a few weeks ago.

Lovelorn Guy: "Oh, the guy I'm talking to didn't text me today. I'm really upset about it. I thought things were going well."

Me: "Well did you text him?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Me: "Uh, why?"

Guy: "Because I texted him yesterday! And he didn't text me back."

Me: "I'm not following. Is there a rule somewhere that says you can't send him another text?"

Guy: "That's not how it works."

Me: "Oh. Gotcha. And when's the last time you had a boyfriend?"

Guy: "It's been years!"

I would have banged my head on the surface of the bar at the end of this exchange if there weren't a delicious cocktail sitting there in front of me.

facepalm.jpgCan anyone else see how ridiculous this logic is? If not, we all must take a step back and look at the situation. Then try to see the inherent insanity within, because it is most certainly there.

Listen folks. When you want something, you should go after it with everything you've got. If you want to say something to the guy you want, then say it. If you want to text a flirty message to him, then text it. If you want to kiss him, kiss him!

I don't care what reasons you have for not doing what it is you want to be doing. You were hurt before? Okay. I get that. That sucks. But how do you know this guy is going to hurt you?

Maybe he's an awesome guy who will do the opposite of hurt you. Maybe he'll be awesome! Are you going to not entirely go for him to keep yourself safe from harm? If so, don't expect that someone else won't fly in and nab him from you -- someone else who isn't holding back.

And what if that guy does hurt you? Okay. So that sucks too. Your inkling and fear were right. Big whoop. That still doesn't mean everyone else will. So go back out there after licking your wounds and try again.

We do many things in our lives over and over again that might hurt us (a night out drinking too much being the quickest thing that comes to mind). We still have nights out drinking too much, right?

Yes. We do. You know we do.

So think about it, friends. If you are not going all-out 100 percent in your pursuit of the guy you think you want, then I have to say you don't really want them. You might say you're a coward or that you're scared. That's cool. I get that.

But what, I ask you, do you think bravery is? An absence of fear? Come on now. Ask any soldier or actor or superstar. They are petrified when it's go time. They just take that extra step of doing whatever it is that they know they have to do regardless of that fear.

If you cannot summon up enough bravery to take the step to a 100-percent pursuit of a guy or guys in general, then it's time to circle back and reconsider. Whatever reasons or excuses you have are not enough. Trust me.

I'm absolutely petrified of having my heart broken and stomped all over, especially because it's happened plenty of times in my life to date. But guess what? I won't let those past circumstances or the twisting anxiety in my stomach stop me. I won't not say something because I think it'll scare someone off. I won't wait for a text before I text someone. I won't wait for an invite before I issue one of my own.

gay-princes-kissing.jpgI won't because I know what I want and what I'm looking for.

So take a deep breath fellas. Put on your battle gear. Man up and suit up and issue a guttural, screeching battle cry. Hop on your valiant steed and fling off the horrible things that have hurt you in the past and leave them behind you as you charge to your prince in the tower that gets closer and closer with each gallop.

That prince might hurt you just like all the others, but there's also a chance that he won't. And if that one iota of a chance at happiness and love isn't enough to justify your bold quest, then I don't know what is.

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